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2003-05-19 - 7:58 p.m. here's my number and a dime...call me anytime - skyy let's talk about sex. i love it. the end. just kidding. seriously, i've had more than my fair share of "the sex". call me slutty, lucky, insatiable, single minded, whatever... i've been guilty of all the above. sex has always been about more than just sex...well...not always. sometimes fucking the cute guy you just met is just fucking the cute guy you just met. my point is, i've got a bad habit of using sex to shut people up (myself included). when mando and i first started going together, i did that a lot. just fucked him quiet. i didn't tell him how i felt about him for quite awhile. i popped his cherry, and kept sleeping with him w/o actually making my intentions clear. the fact is, i was sleeping with someone else, and i didn't want to give that other person up. so, i had it both ways. until, i realized that i really cared for mando, and wanted to be with him exclusively. we'd be having sex, and he'd be like, "are you my boyfriend?", "are you seeing anyone else?", and i'd just *(insert graphic sexual technique)*, and he'd be moaning, and forget all about what he was asking me, or, as he told me later, i just made him feel so good, that he didn't want to fuck things up by asking questions. it's sad what we'll do for good sex. you want certain things, and you want to know where you stand, but, your getting that good dick, and good dick sometimes is better than no good dick at all. does that make sense? hey, i've been there. i think we all have. anyway, i did the same thing with "the artist". i was his first too. i treated him exactly the same way as mando. he'd ask too many questions, and i'd pull out my "good dick moves". it's kinda hard to get philosophical about your relationship if you're too busy crying out, "fuck. me. hard!!", right? now i know that i sound like a total asshole, and i know that i was. i totally was, and i'm very sorry for that. i truly am. i used to think that i was deflecting my true feelings, but, i was also giving these guys some good stuff too. kinda like, win-win, you know? i was wrong. i'm rambling, big time. matt's kind of pist at me, right now, and it's all because of what i'm writing about. we were in bed, and talking, and he asked me something that i didn't want to talk about, so, i pulled my moves, and he got into it, and afterwards, i was like ready to kiss, and cuddle, or whatever, but, he was mad. he said that just because he went along with it, didn't mean that he didn't know exactly what i was doing, and that he expected better from me. so, this morning when i followed him into the shower, he was like, "we're not having sex". i told him fine. so, we showered, and nothing else. fine. sometimes it just seems like he's testing me. part of me wants to give him everything, anything. part of me is like, "don't pull your fucking bullshit, mister. cuz this motherfucker ain't having it". i can go forever w/o sex. that's what he doesn't know. and i'm kind of pist myself, now that i think of it. he thinks i'm some walking hard on who's gonna crumble without sex. he thinks he's got something over on me. first of all, nobody, and i mean nobody pulls that kind of shit on me. he should know that by now. oh well. that just sucks that he thinks that i'm some conceited asshole who is so unused to being refused that i'm gonna crack. i may be cute, or whatever people think, but i've been shut down, ignored, turned down, burned, and rejected just like any normal person. it pisses me off to think that he doesn't think much more of me than people i can't stand. people who think they've got my number: pretty boy horndog w/ a dick for a brain. you know what? fuck him fuck them fuck this |
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