2007-04-22 - 12:28 a.m.
gays gone wild

yeah, so, i guess it's been sort of awhile
and whatever.

the dog next door is barking and it's definitely keeping me awake. matty and i were supposed to go out to a birthday party tonight, but, we started fighting and i told him if i had to spend any time in front of people and pretend to be nice to him, i'd end up knocking someone the fuck out.

...........or, something (exactly) like that.

he won't admit it, but, he's jealous. crazy, but, jealous too.

we went out to dinner thursday. with his
friends. it was this super yummy italian
joint we frequent. point being, it's super casual and no big deal. i wore some slim fit cords and a v neck t shirt. i wore the t shirt just to show off my cassette charm i bought at h+m. it's my new fave.

anyway, i didn't feel like dealing with his friends really, so i smoked a bowl. he found me in the backyard smoking and was like, "are you kidding me?" i just sorta shrugged.

the car ride over was okay. he called me
his little stoner and i thought everything was cool.

we get to the restaurant and we were the last ones to arrive. i order a 7&7 and we're off. i drink it in like 3 seconds cuz i have a hoodie on and once i
sit down decide that i won't take my hoodie off in front of these people. the
ice in my drink is like heaven. i immediately order a second.

after a few minutes i start getting super hot. because i am a hopeless light weight and an idiot, i forget that alcohol does that. fucking retarded.

so, i stand up, pull off my sweatshirt, and my shirt winds up somewhere around my neck. i get a coupla cat calls and realize what's up. i pull my tshirt down and kinda run my hands through my hair to put it back into place from pulling the hoodie over it, and lose my balance.

i kind of end up falling against one of matty's friends who i don't really care for too much (that could actually be any
one of them). to his credit, the friend was like, tony, are you alright? i think
it all happened so fast that it just kinda surprised everyone.

i look over at matty and he looks like all he wants for dinner is my head served on a platter.

i pretty much spend the rest of the meal
with my head down and feeling like my face is on fire and the rest of me is drowning and/or in quicksand.

so, we head to the club after dinner and
i want to dance. matty won't dance with me. i stand next to him sort of dancing in place kinda. finally some random guy asks me to dance and i say yes. the new diddy / keisha cole joint was on and i fucking love that song.

i go right back to matty after the song and he's like, "where's your friend". i told him that he was waiting for me in the bathroom. so, i went to the bathroom, or, that's what i wanted matty
to think. i actually just went out back to smoke. when matty comes out and finds me, i'm talking to a guy who i've known for fucking years and matty's always been kinda sketched out by (even though he denies it to the end).

we say our goodbyes and get to the car. i told him i was sorry and that i didn't mean to do anything wrong. and i just smoked to try to not be so anxious around his friends and that i'd never done that before, and he knows i haven't
and i was just dumb. i was a little stoned and kinda buzzed and embarrassed about my tshirt and i just like lost my balance and stuff.

by the way, in person this explanation seemed endless. it felt like i talked for 45 minutes straight. which is impossible since the car ride was like half an hour tops. i blame the bud.

he was like, "fine". i knew it wasn't fine, but, i didn't feel like arguing.

we're in bed, later on and he's like, "how's scott?", the guy who i've known forever. i asked if he was mad about that, and he said, "i'm going to bed", turned over and totally left me hanging.

so, we've been annoyed with each other ever since.

i really was just trying something different to help my shyness. i was like
super stressed about having dinner with them and i just thought i'd try it.

but i think it was the scott thing more than anything. he just won't admit it. and it's not like we were making out or something. we were sitting on opposite sides of a patio table smoking and talking. that's it.

i don't know where that guy i danced with went after we danced to that one song.

jesus, i'm exhausted, dude. seriously.

and you wonder why i don't write more often. fucking retarded, dude.

-take it / leave it-

older entries:
when the walls come tumbling down - 2007-08-17
long weekend - 2007-05-21
gays gone wild - 2007-04-22
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13