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2003-05-15 - 10:03 a.m. you're the apple of my eyes...fulfillment of my dreams - debarge i should be asleep, but, yeah right. i was super awake, last night. um...i was also super horny. i got into bed about 1:30am, woke my sweet boy up, screwed around, and then, finally went to sleep. i heard matt get up this morning, followed him into the bathroom, slid my boxers off, and joined him in the shower. i love sex in the shower, because a: the feeling of the water, and the way wet, smooth skin feels, and b: i kind of like sex standing up. like up against walls, and stuff like that. i'm a dork. i don't know, but, this morning was one of those times when i felt so much love for matt. like so close to him, you know? it was beyond sex. am i making sense? like, yeah, there's the obvious mechanics of the act, and the joy, and the rush, and the pleasure that comes with it. i'm talking about all that, PLUS this immense/intense feeling of love, and closeness, and (dare i say it) spirituallity. i had my arms wrapped around him, and i was telling him a bunch of stuff. all of this stuff. it was just like coming out of me. i don't know. i can't explain it. alls i know is, when that happens, it's like a fucking miracle, it's like i almost believe in god. it's incredible, and sure, it's him, and i, but, there's gotta be more to it than that. -shut up, tony... i'm not a hippie dippy type person, but, sometimes i feel things so strongly, and i just don't know what to do with them. listen to me, "hippie dippy". i'm so judgemental, especially w/ myself. -i said, shut up... i wish i could explain all the things i feel. not because it's some world rocking shit that everyone should be privvy to. but, because i just wish that i could, like, just for me. i wish that i would allow myself to say more, and that i wouldn't get so far, then clam up. i wish i could share my feelings. i can talk about sex. i can tell you what it was like to be inside matt this morning. it's just sex. i wish that i wasn't so guarded with my feelings, and that i could forget about the things that made me that way. anyway, for being such a...stunted person, i guess i've done quite well for myself. i'm trying to figure stuff out, and i can't. oversimply stated, that sucks. this is going nowhere. -now i'm getting all dramatic. everyone's right, i think too much. see what happens when i don't get enough sleep? -later |
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