2007-03-13 - 11:25 p.m.
fried and objectified
don't change a thing for me - inxs
so, like, hi
i'm writing this from beautiful auburn, ca. we (matty and i) are staying at my cousins house. we're gonna be here for a few days, then, we're going to hang out in san francisco for a few days. it's cool.
there's been a lot going on and there's been a whole lot of nothing going on since the last time i wrote.
the biggest thing is that my grandfather passed away in october. it was unexpected and not a complete shock all at the same time. that probably doesn't make any fucking sense, but, it's too long and it makes me too sad to go into it, so whatever.
work has been okay. just okay.
i've been in a bit of a funk and while i do feel loads better, sometimes i still slip into my little black holes. i think i need to go back to my doc's and try some new meds or up my dosage or something. have i ever mentioned that i'm on antidepressants and anti anxiety pills? i take one for the depression and one for the anxiety. it's pretty low dosage stuff, but, it's not really doing anything for me anymore.
it's funny cuz i'm afraid of two things: one that i'm going to become one of those people who cry all the time and don't get out of bed and just kinda become paralyzed by their depression. (thankfully that hasn't ever happened to me). when i get in one of my bummers i just sit around watching turner movie classics and don't shave and let the laundry go and don't talk much at work and just kinda...withdraw? i guess that's a good word. but i do get outta bed, and shower and go to the gym and cook and pay my bills and all that shit.
it kinda sucks cuz most people consider me pretty quiet to begin with so, it's like they can't really tell a difference. they don't really know that i'm not that happy or that i'm just stressing about everything.
i don't really talk about it too much cuz part of me thinks like what's the point? so, i say i'm depressed or whatever, then what? someone's supposed to say some magic words or do some voodoo on me and i'll feel better? i doubt that, so, like, what the fuck, you know?
reason number two is i'm afraid that if i go to the doctor and tell him to do something different that he'll give me something crazy and i'll become this numb zombie type person. no highs no lows. just kinda numb.
so, as usual i want it both ways. that is so fucking me. you have no idea, dude.
now that i think about it, isn't it hilarious that i still make it a point to go to the gym? gotta keep those abs tight even i just wanna stay home and watch old movies.
vain prick that i can be.
matty's been cool with the whole thing. he just let's me do my thing. basically it consists of staying home and kicking back.
the only thing is that for awhile (a kind of long while) i wasn't sleeping so good. so, i'd do the wagging my foot thing and i'd wake him up and i'd wanna get up and just sit out in the living room and he'd want me to "relax" and "try to sleep" and i'd kinda wanna yell, like, "dude, if i could sleep and relax, we'd both be asleep right now. so just let me sit in the fucking living room and let you sleep so i won't fucking feel guilty for keeping you up"
at least i haven't gone out and clocked some fucker for no good reason. i'll admit that's part of the reason i don't like to go out when i feel like that. the likelihood of fighting and/or wanting to fight is....enhanced. i think i've mentioned before, i come from a long line of sharing the bad times. god knows there's plenty to go around.
i'll tell you something else: staying in means i don't have to worry about being shy or whatever, you know? like, i'm not in those situations of becoming embarrassed if i'm not out and about, right? this goes for everybody. friends and strangers alike.
i know i can't live like that. i know that if i hide out it doesn't solve anything. it's just something i realized is all.
we actually have started hanging out with matty's friends a bit more. there's still the one i can't stand and the one who's alright. the one who i don't like still takes my shyness as being stand offish or concieted. whatever. he doesn't wanna know that i've been this way since i was a kid and i fucking hate it. he doesn't wanna understand that it's got nothing to do with him and it's got nothing to do with matty and that my bullshit is and has been mine way way longer than i knew matty or him fucking existed.
then there's the weirdness of the fact that he's all but told matty that even though he's got his problems with me that he finds me like well i don't know like just
oh jeez...................what i'm trying to say is that he is bothered by me in a lot of ways, but, he likes the way i look in a wifebeater and stuff.
so, he can enjoy the view while he's disliking me.
on the one hand i just wanna slug the fuck. on the other i think, jeez, tony, you don't go to the gym (depressed or not) to strengthen your rapier wit, now do you?
i'm a piece of meat....i kid. i joke.
yeah, so that's about enough of that fucking horseshit.
-take it / leave it-