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2006-01-19 - 9:43 a.m. til the end of the road - bozy II men i'm in need of sleep. dinner was so-so. matts freinds were cunts, i stared them down til they got scared and shut up. then i only talked to adam and his b/f for the rest of the night. when the night was over, which, personally, i'd say was sometime during appetizers, and everyone was walking out of the restaurant, the 3 of us let matty bid his farewells to his friends. yeah, we totally ignored them. matt was a mindreader, cuz when we got it the car, he was like, "i'm sorry" why?, i asked, you didn't DO ANYTHING. "i didn't have your back" no fucking shit. part of me wanted to fucking throttle this guy. instead, i told him i was pretty pissed at him and that was the last time he was gonna get me to ever hang out w/ those 2. i'm fucking serious, dude. it's gona get to the point where i'm just not gonna deal with his fucked up friends. how can he even consider them friends when they act like such creeps? when they can't be happy for him? it blows my mind. "i'm really sorry, tony", he said, and we held hands on the drive home. we had a good talk. he let me get all my bluster out. i didn't yell at him. i'm just saying that he let me get all my "that's fucking bullshits" and "fuck thats" and "fuck thems" out. he let me vent is all. we talked for quite awhile. we ended up in the shower, then ended up having the sex. i don't know, as mad as i was, i just didn't want to get mad at him. i mean, i was mad, but, you know how sometimes you just kinda think, forget it. like, i'm already upset and stuff, and now i'm gonna start an argument with my boyfreind? like on top of everything else? you just realize that it's kinda retarded, you know? is that maturity? probably just laziness. i didn't get to sleep til sometime around 2 this morning. my typical post coital insomnia. i know, same old boring stuff. i have sex, i can't sleep. my hand's kinda gnarly. the knuckles on my left hand are all scabby and hurt when i do anything. being left handed isn't helping any. my whole left hand is kinda swollen feeling. skateboarding. all in a days work. i've been kinda sad lately. just like, in general, or whatever. i can't really explain it. i feel tense, and uncomfortable and just kinda down. i don't wanna tell matty because i know that he worries. he's like most people, you tell them you feel sad and they wanna make you feel better. but, see, you didn't tell them so that they'd make you feel better. you just told them so they'd know. so you could like getit off your chest. they always say to talk about things, that will help and stuff. i don[t necessarily find that to be true. you say something and then you've got people watching you and worrying about you, trying to decipher every little thing. it's enough to drive anybody nuts. worrying about worrying people because of my worrying. it never ends, does it? |
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