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2006-01-28 - 10:56 a.m. oh, no, not again - david bowie matty's still in bed. how he manages to sleep so late, i can't understand it. i'd be asleep at llam too, if i'd gone to bed at like 5am, or something. i like to get up early, and do the solitary things i enjoy. drinking my coffee, reading, watching old movies, or washing the car. you know, just like boring, quiet stuff. i can just be quiet and it's okay. i don't have to talk, or in my case, LISTEN so much. this morning was different. i was outside, doing some yard work and my dad calls and needs me to come over. so, i decide to jog over and do. i get there and he wants me to mow the lawn. i'm like, where's andy? (my kid brother) and my dad's like, "asleep". so, like, whatever you know? i mow the lawn. front and back. i'm throwing the cut grass into the yard waste bin in the back, and my dad's like, "are you gonna put the lawnmower back in the shed?" yeah, dad. when i'm done here. i just finished, you know? so, i dumped the grass, put the lawnmower back in the shed, and went inside. my anger was simmering at a low boil. whatever, you know? then, my mom's like, "i need you to go to the store for me", and hands me a list. when i asked to borrow her car, my parents looked at me like i was shithouse crazy. i explained that i jogged over and didn't have a car at the ready. i guess since my mom has a really nice luxury vehicle, and i'm such an irresponsible fuck up, that i could n't be trusted to drive to the fucking grocery store. i was pist off, you know? i didn't say anything cuz i would've just told everyone to fuck themselves. i kept my mouth shut, then, on fucking cue, the fact that my parents kept looking at me and seemed to be waiting for ME to say something started to embarrass me. i hate when people look at and expect me to speak....especially when i don't want to, you know? so, i got embarrassed and did one of the things i do when i get that way. finally, after a fucking eternity, my mom goes, "take the car". i mumbled, thanks, or something retarded like that. i'm thanking them? wtf? and i went to get the keys. by this time while this was all going on, my brother was awake and just kind of hanging around, watching. i went to get the keys and just kind of stood there by myself for a minute. i was embarrassed, and mad, and just like a bunch of stuff, you know? when i turned around, my brother was standing there, watching me. i caught his eye and got embarrassed (natch') and looked down at my shoes (i'm an idiot). i just heard him say, "why do you do that?". i just told him to shut up. huzzah for my shy, brilliant comebacks. so, i went to the store all sweaty and gross and not so fresh feeling. i had on an old white tshirt and some basketball shorts. definitely not so fresh feeling. i delivered th e groceries and came home. my feelings are hurt. i can't explain it really. they just are. all this by 10am. good times. why can't my brother, a healthy, able bodied 17 year old do anything? beats the fuck outta me. why am i the help in the family? don't know that either. why after all these years do i still let it get to me, hurt me? i got nothing. fucking goose egg. i'm not gonna tell matty. it's like, why bother. so, i'm whining about it here. i'm kinda pist. and horny. done complaining. later... |
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