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2004-03-03 - 4:47 p.m. sunset people...night after night...doin' it right - donna summer i met chad at the gym, this morning. he didn't mention anything about steven (his b/f), or their argument. fine by me. i was a little cold. when we were on the treadmill, i put on my headphones and ran. that's usually when we talk. he finally waved his hand in my face and asked if anything was wrong. i told him no, and stopped ignoring him. after, he asked if i wanted to go back to his place. i told him no. i know he was surprised by my answer, and maybe...probably a little hurt. i don't want to feel differently about chad, but, i kinda do. it's not some huge, dramatic shift. i don't hate him. i just don't wanna get into anything that could get complicated. i don't want him to get into arguments "because" of me (yes, i've still got that one stuck in my craw). i don't want to keep things from him. i don't want to deal with his shitheel b/f. how else do i avoid all that stuff w/o avoiding chad? if anyone can figure that one out i would seriously appreciate any and all suggestions. after i left chad and that horrible look on his face, i went to see matt. i just hung out with him for awhile. i knew that i'd have to face the girls in reception, but i didn't care. i just needed to not feel alone. after the hi cuties, compliments and whatever, i made it back into matty's office. i didn't tell matt anything. i didn't want to get into it. BIG LIE. i wanted to tell him everything, but, i got embarrassed. the usual stupid shy bullshit. so, there. i was debating wether to get into it, and the fates intervened. i was thisclose to opening my mouth, when matty says, "so, how long were you flirting with the girls before you decided to see me"? i ignored the remark because it wasn't meant in a mean way, but, at that moment, i wanted to take it that way. i stayed a few minutes longer and told him i had to go. he walked me out like he always does, and the girls said stuff like they do and i blushed like i do, and i made it out. i'm feeling not great. i don't know what's going on with my friend. i'm annoyed with matt, but, only cuz he made an innocent crack. most of all, i'm feeling isolated, and i only have myself to blame. damn my insecurity and shyness. when am i gonna grow the fuck up? so, so lame |
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