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2003-01-11 - 5:13 p.m. i'm sick. i finally have to admit it. i've been coughing, sneezing, sniffling since right around christmas, but, this is it. i give up. so, what am i doing on the computer? why am i not lying in a heap on the sofa? cuz i don't really do that very well. but i did it today...sort of. last night, we went to hollie, and steve's. just to have some drinks or whatever. i met two new couples who are friends of theirs. i was pretty shy about it, but whatever. matt always kills me cuz he just starts talking, and then he's got like new lifelong friends. plus, i can say this here, i always sorta wonder if i'm actually shy, or maybe i just don't have anything interesting to say, and i know it, so i subconciously cover it up with "pretending" to be bashful, or whatever. yeah, i've thought alot about this. anyway, i feel trapped cuz matt's in the living room with the girls, and i'm sitting next to him, not wanting to be there, and steve is with the guys by the bar, and i don't want to be with them either. so, i sit next to matt, and just sort of smile, listen, nod when appropriate. then, matt grabs my hand, and says something totally sweet about "us", and the girls are like creaming themselves. "you two are sooo cute.", "my husband doesn't even talk to me like that.", et-fucking-cetera. and i'm dying. just dying. i squeezed matt's hand hard, and when he looked at me, i gave him my, "it's on like donkey kong" look. for the record, i don't mean to be such an asshole. did i love what he said? YES. very much. it's the fact that i....*struggling w/ how to put this*....worry so much about reacting to such things in front of people, and feeling like he is in some way responsible for my discomfort. no matter how full of shit that line of thinking is. there, that's about right. now then, i got up, smiled my best "cute" smile (so as not to attract attention, and make myself even MORE uncomfortable) and made my way over to the fellas. i get there, and steve's like, "hey tone, what's up?". everyone stops, looks at me (or that's what it feels like), i mumble, 'nuthin', and i was thinking that i shoulda just stayed on the couch, and rode the wave of embarrassment out. anyway, i survivedlike always. i'm a mess, huh? do you know how old i am? 29. i'm 29 fucking years old, and i act like a 2 year old. okay, shutthefuckupalready. sorry. um, we got home, matt apologized, i told him I was the one who should be sorry, and to forgive me for letting MY hangups/screwups make him saying nice things into a bad thing. then he said something very sweet, and kind.
i let myself sleep til 10 this morning, watch lots of television. *(remind me to rave about "made" somewhere later in this entry). but, i had to cut my hair, and vacuum my car out today, sick or not. i cut my hair. it wasn't too bad. showered the hair off, went downstairs, and made my way out to the garage, i'm leaning way into the backseat vacuuming my heart out, and suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to lie down in the backseat, and sleep. sleep very, very deeply. i turned off the vacuum, walked inside, (leaving the car door wide open) and sat on the sofa for a minute. matt, who had told me that he'da been happy to cut my hair, AND vacuum my car, is like, "are you o.k.?", i nod, and tell him i'm taking a nap. yeah, that was about 4 hours ago. i'm feeling much better now...sort of. i woke up covered with my favorite blanket, and matt had soup ready for me. my hero. okay, enough mushy fuckwit rambling. can i just tell anyone out there that i watched "made" on mtv, and i love that show. i think it was the very first one, about the girl who wanted to be a cheerleader. anyway, i found myself becoming emotionally invested in that episode. i was wiping away tears by the end. i hope they're all that good. then again, i find that when i'm sick, i get really maudlin about everything. i get sad, and stuff. ever since i was a little kid. don't ask my why. put it on my tab of bizarre behavior traits. |
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