2002-12-04 - 12:28 a.m.
half a chimichanga is better than no chimichanga at all

bon jovi are now on letterman and leno...AT THE SAME TIME!! there is no god.

i do love their do's though.

matt promised he'd never talk about stuff that i deem personal again. he understands that i'm shy sometimes. he admits that he doesn't understand why, but he understands that i am. good enough for me. his reward? hot boy on boy action. i went to my semi-local art supply store, and bought lots of cool frames for christmas gifts that i'm working on. i'm making shitloads of prints of my nephews and framing them for my sister and her boyfriend to put up around their apartment. i got lots of frames for 13 bucks. whoopee!! i also stopped by steve and hollie's pad for a minute. hollie showed me her christmas cards, and they fucking rule! she so spanked me in that department. they have a picture of jesus on the front that says happy birthday to me, and on the inside it says merry christmas to you. hilarious.

i came home and immediately started putting the pictures in the frames, and matt was like, "you're like a little kid. you just can't wait to get into things." i guess that's true...somewhat. i see it as more of an impatient sort of thing than an endearing quality. whatever. the pictures looked great in the frames i chose, and i couldn't help thinking, a straight fella coulda never picked the right frames. then again, they probably wouldn'ta wanted to either. again, whatever. i wore my "white strokes" shirt, and this yummy lad in tan cords asked me where i got it, so i told him all about y-que and los feliz. after we left the art supply store, steve said he was gonna tell matt i was flirting. me flirting, shocking. besides, he came up to me.

i think we're going out to dinner with la liz, and "the artist" friday night. i want mexican or italian. i get so sick of rice and chicken. i'm a mexican for christ's sake. i want deep fried, cheesy, saucy food. it's like genetically encoded in me, right? and don't get me wrong, when i absolutely have to have the chile verde chimichanga from my favorite mex joint, i will. or, at least half. i try not to totally deny myself, and i get mad at myself for going a little overboard on the strictness of my ways. it doesn't help that matty's basically the same way. it's sorta good cuz no one's being really good while the other one's being not so good, and it's sorta bad cuz it just gets ridiculous when alls you want is some chocolate and there isn't any because you're both trying to be "good". whatever.

still, it feels good to: buy clothes easily, not wear a belt and have your pants falling off your hips in a sexy way, to pull your shirt off in club, etc.

i like those things. period. it's not all i'm about, and i'd NEVER admit to what i just wrote to anyone, but matt, and mando. we've had these talks privately. i'm getting less shy about writing it here. it is what it is, and i can't do anything about it except to stop running, going to the gym, and just start eating chimichangas, tacos, pasta, and chocolate chip cookies whenever i want. i have so many issues with my looks, and my shyness, and the way i'm percieved by people. it's sickening. at least i don't bore anyone with all my bullshit. i make a strict point of that. even when i'm just writing here though, i feel bad, like i shouldn't be doing it. or i feel like i sound like a dick, and that, more than being concieted, overweight, or a bashful dork, is what i fear more than anything, being thought of as a dick.

okay, way more than i meant to get into.

goodnight.

-take it / leave it-

older entries:
when the walls come tumbling down - 2007-08-17
long weekend - 2007-05-21
gays gone wild - 2007-04-22
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13