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2002-06-23 - 11:04 p.m. i remember mom...what you said...you said, honey...don't let it go to your head...sonic youth okay so, matt and i are gonna wait on the whole living together thing. he's not crazy about the idea, but, he's respecting my point of view. i think it's too soon. i'm sorry, but, i do. i basically asked him, "so, you're ready to give up your place, move in w/ me, and live your life as a permanent couple"? he said yes. he's never lived w/ anyone either, so don't ask me how he's so goddam certain. i feel like i should be that certain. and by not being, that i somehow love him less, or not in the same way as he loves me. i know in my heart that it can't possibly be true. i fucking love that kid w/ all my heart. more than i've ever loved anyone. you know, when we had our big blowout a while back, i told him, "i do love you. you have to know that", and he responded w/, "you love fucking me. that's how you love me". it shut my mouth at the time. i was hurt, confused, and...guilty? by the remark. after a time, i asked what he meant by that. he told me. he was right. i am more open, or vulnerable in bed. right before, and right after the sex. i tried to explain how i feel at those moments, you know, like how i feel open, and honest in those intimate, emotional times. i tried to explain that even though the act itself isn't always sweet, and gentle, and lifetime television soft focus, slow motion quality, that what i feel inside IS very...oatmeal. i.e. warm, and mushy. that i've never had the sexual relationship that's so emotionally satisfying, w/ ANYBODY, but him. he made me feel badly. i felt like a dick, you know. that while i thought we were expressing our deep love for one another, that he thought i was just "fucking" him...again. i didn't mention it at the time, cuz, i had just fucked up, and wasn't about to talk about MY hurt feelings. then, in just a coupla days, he initiated sex. which, he DOES do. so, i had to ask. so, we talked, and i tried to explain all of what i am writing about. i made him cry, and he held me in such a way, that i knew i had gotten my point across. for that, i'll be eternally grateful...goodnight |
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