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2002-05-15 - 10:30 p.m. what's your name...who's your daddy? the zombies hey little friend, first off, i got my episode 2 tix today after work, and i am stoked. i've been hearing this shit, and that shit about the movie, but i really don't care. my stripper name would be...lady/del valle. have you heard that thing where you figure out your stripper/porn name by putting the name of your first pet, and the street you grew up on together....interesting? how 'bout fido/main st., or snoopy/first st.? not too great, huh? i guess i'm..lucky? yeah...okay. today was much better, and the circumstances were much worse...interesting? i can handle shitty circumstances, mostly because you don' have a choice as to your circumstances so...lemonade out of lemons, and all that shit...i'm not bragging, so don't read the following, and think, shut the fuck up...dick, or you can, but you shouldn't, but, people always comment on my good attitude, and i'm inwardly laughing cuz, i'm such a mess. such a mess, and so are most people...probably? or at least we think we are. you know what happens to me a lot as well? i'm constantly apologizing for things, because it seems like the thing to do, or i guess to just be "covered", and then the person i apologize to always says, "why", or, "for what". then, i explain why, and i get that 'are-you-insane-?' look. why i'm i writing about this? because i want/need to. i'm gonna try to not do that anymore, ask why i'm doing something, when i know goddam well why i am. once again, "covering" myself. i'm so lost, as far as what my point is...i guess i'm just purging. i need it...apparently. i'm gonna try like hell to get rolling stones tix this weekend. wish me luck. um...what else...let..me..see...oh, okay, today at work, alex (female), was telling me about this laser procedure wherein you eliminate the need for a bra...or something. she is very busty. i love that word, it's the word my mother uses. busty. so, i'm listening...no problemo, and this woman is figuring out what reprints she wants, and i'm standing between them, and she starts talking to alex about her breasts, and how she wouldn't mind that procedure...then, she starts explaining the "problem" with her breasts, by physically handling them...like full on groping herself, and explaining how they "sag", and i'm thinking, 'hello, i'm standing right here'. i just tried to become invisible. something i'm pretty good at, actually. i'm an adult, and i understand that there are problems that some women have, like actual physical maladies, brought on by the size of their breasts, but still. i just kept my head down, and when i looked up, the lady gave me this strange shit eating grin. like she was happy embarrass me. i don't know...whatever. i don't like being embarrassed. i get angry, and i've come to realize that in doing so that i'm taking the power back in the situation. so, i might become an asshole, but to me, at the time, it's better than being the mumbling, shy, shoe inspecting loser. if you know anything about me, it's that i HATE not being in control...at least of myself. i don't feel the need to control all situations: too shy, duh! but, myself i can sorta keep control over, in obvious ways. hence, the not drinking much, and the working out, and stuff like that. it's so immature, but, as i've touched on, being embarrassed is so fucking awful feeling. it's like quicksand, drowning, and suffocating all at the same time. i really fucking hate it. i cannot stress that enough. it's actually been suggested that i try drugs, but i don't believe in that. i believe that we all have our "crosses to carry", and you just hafta deal. we all hafta deal. of course, there are people w/ legitimate problems, and that's who the drugs are intended for, but honestly, do all the people taking the drugs truly need them? i'm seriously asking, does EVERY single person on paxil, or ritilan, or whatever...NEED it? no way. i think it's better to try to get through your bullshit on your own..if possible, and you'll be a better person for it. stronger, more confident, and all that. i'm not the guy with the answers, but i am the guy with the opinions...just like you...so don't even trip. alright, i guess i'm done...goodnight |
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