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2002-05-16 - 6:59 p.m. "this is rock 'n' roll recorded poorly. played in a hurry, with sweaty hands and unsure reason. how it sounds what it says who played what is irrelevant it feels right this is my blood" this is how the story begins. paul westerberg is incredible, and deserves god like worship. listen to this album. you can thank me later. today i listened to old s.o.s band songs at work. i still know every word, and can tell you what grade i was in when the songs came out...if any of you indie rock cats/kittens ever gets an extremely wild hair, i suggest "weekend girl". you'll be able to relate...trust me. yes, the s.o.s band...classic. it seems that many of the diaries i enjoy reading are on hiatus. mdhoney, thepines, xgayboi...oh brothers where art thou? today i got these really cool flip flops at old navy. the left foot is navy blue with white stars, and the right foot has red and white stripes. white stripes..ha ha! i'm semi kicking myself for not going to see them. they sold out four nights at the el rey in l.a. hooray for them!! oh well, maybe next time. my secret boyfriend, gideon yago, wrote about the strokes, and mentioned the 'last night' - 'american girl' connection in the latest issue of spin. just wanted to point out that i went there days, if not weeks ago. i scooped 'giddy', yay me!! i finally got my dvd of the u2 elevation tour show in boston. it's so fucking good. if you like u2, then you'll love this dvd. it's like you're there. i still haven't gotten 'maladroit' yet. that is sooo unlike me. maybe after the movie manana. matt has a sunburned ass, and i think that's hilarious. there's a lot more grunting now during the buttlove, and i think that is hilfuckingarious. strangely, he doesn't. i had a dream about this girl i grew up with...sorta, and she kept trying to grab my cock, and make me have sex with her. i refused, and she cussed me out somethin' fierce. it was really weird. i really like the new gap commercials...don't ask me why. tonight is the season finale of will & grace, and i'm looking forward to it. i even turned down an invitation to "drinks and whatever" at BRENT's place. he is super dreamy, and i told matt that if i ever got the chance to jump his straight boy bones, that he could kiss me goodbye. he's the new guy at work, and he is gorgeous...hence...popular. no, he IS a nice guy. he came up to me, and invited me over, and i had to refuse. the good news, he said, "well, maybe some other time". so, goody goody gum drops. the sucky part is he invited me right in front of cynthia, this really sweet, funny girl, and he totally didn't invite her. he full on invited me, then, when i declined, just walked away, saying, "hey cindy", minus an invite. cynthia is the girl who is always telling you how attractive you are, and then tearing herself down. i always sorta...internally cringe(?) when she does this. she's so fucking cool, but...i don't always know what to do with her. i think making her feel better about herself would be a full time job, if i took it. anyway, i won't get into that, but, it sucked pretty hard once brent walked away, cuz then i had to do that, "no big deal, who cares, you're not missing anything" song and dance. i mean, it's actually true. will you live w/o going to brents? yes, but...it still has to hurt, and make you feel undesirable...or something. if i could be more forthcoming w/ her, i'd tell her that just because someone is deemed..."attractive", by the "cool people", or whatever, it doesn't make things any more simple. well...some things...yeah, it does. but everything? hardly. i'm still shy, often painfully so, and i still worry about EVERYTHING, and my relationships w/ certain members of my family, and other loved ones are not perfect, and i still worry about what others think of me...let's face it...i'm just not that comfortable in my own skin. no matter how "cute" i am. by the way, the urge to erase is overwhelming right now. i'm trying to be honest w/ this diary thing. i know what i look like, and it's not a bad thing...there i said it, straight out. but just know, it doesn't matter, and anyone who tells you that it does is a fucking asshole. it is easy to say, but it's true. i wish i could tell her this in a way that is believable, and doesn't sound like a bunch of shit coming from some tool who doesn't know what he's talking about. i wish i could love myself as much as people assume i do, or think i should. i will admit to something...i had to walk away from my keyboard for about ten minutes because i started to feel that "quicksand" feeling. it's like cherry valance told ponyboy in the outsiders, "things are rough all over". so...i'm very embarrassed, and i am still typing...good for me? yeah, i guess it is. but...i really can't write anymore... |
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