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2002-04-30 - 11:33 p.m. i've had a hole in my heart for so long. i tried to fake it, and just smile along. out on the street, those men are all the same. i need a love, not games...not games...kate pierson ciao diary, i think i'm just about getting over my weekend. it takes me a couple of days to be hangover free now, since i'm not a kid anymore. mommy, WOW!! i'm a big boy now...j/k. so, if you're still a pesky meddling kid, rejoice, and be glad that you can drink like fuck, not sleep, and be tip top the next day. youth is wasted on the young. i'm looking forward to 29. if i can't actually feel grown up, at least i can look like one. so, mando came by for dinner, and to say goodbye. he won't be that far, but, he won't be that close either. he kissed me on the lips before he left, and a small part of me wanted to drag him inside, and fuck him silly. i hate admitting that, but, it's true. after the kiss, he sorta looked embarrased, and said, "i'm really gonna miss you". all i could come up w/ was, "me too". it wasn't a long wet kiss, but a semi long soft one. then he was gone. so, i had dinner w/ matt tonight, and i told him, right when i got to his place. he just sorta stood there for a minute, and then came, and sat next to me, and kissed me. he told me that he didn't think that he could make me feel any worse than i was probably making myself feel. so, afterwards, in bed, he asked me if mando had wanted more, what i honestly would have done. i told him i don't think i would have slept w/ him, but i told him how i thought about it. he thought that was only natural, given my history w/ mando. i ended up telling matt a whole bunch of stuff that i don't know if i would have otherwise, or at least it would have leaked out little by little. i am not proud of some of the stuff i've done. i've fucked around, and cheated, and lied, and consequently, hurt people. it sounds so awful to just say it, out loud. it looks even worse in black and white. so official, and factual. i have thought about my actions many times over. i have done hurtful things, and i have dealt w/ the consequences. i'm not looking for absolution, but i want to make clear that i realize what i've done, and don't go through life with some, 'oh well' attitude. so, i'm lying in matt's bed, and he is sitting on top of me, listening to this unexpected, mortifying purging of transgressions past, and i start to cry, only a little, (when i have my breakdown, there WILL NOT be an audience, okay?) just a few tears running down my face. anyway, i'm looking up into those beautiful brown eyes, and he leans down, and says, "shhh...", and kisses me. i told him, i didn't want him to look down on me, and i didn't want him to think any less of me after hearing all this, and i wasn't really sure why i had just done what i had. he said, he wouldn't, he didn't, and he was glad i did, not for his benefit, but for my own. i fucking love that kid. whatever, enough of that. the only thing more embarassing than doing something embarassing, is rehashing the embarassing thing. not for nothing, but, i hope that i'm not coming off like some supersleaze. i haven't done lots, and lots of bad stuff. but, i have done stuff. not tons though. oh god, just shut up!! say goodnight, smltwn. goodnight, smltwn.... |
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