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2005-06-15 - 5:03 p.m. i'm always waiting on you - jack johnson sometimes, i need quiet. quiet to think, to breathe. i think things have been moving a little too fast. there's been a little family stuff, and some work stuff, then there's the adam stuff. i was gonna lie in a vegatative / meditative state, but, no. last night, matty got into this big discussion about us, and adam, and a whole bunch of stuff that i'm not talking about. the us stuff is good. very good. matt said that he's not sure what to make of the whole adam thing. he told me he knows i like adam a lot. he knows i like adam more than he does. he trusts me. it sorta made me cry a little. i have not betrayed his trust. i will not betray his trust. ever. i love matt so much that i...well, i can't even finish the thought. it's too much. too big. pretty deep, huh? i'm a dork. but, a dork head over heels (or, heels over head in my case) in love. i am so embarrassed right now. um....okay. so, earlier in the day my mom had left me this loooong voicemail going over stuff going on with the familia. my grandparents especially. i fucking fucking fucking hate to hear when someone (my uncle and his cunty wife) is messing with my grandparents. it's like my mom said, 'golden years, my ass'. they're fucking old. they're nearing the end of their lives and the thought of them living these years of their lives miserably....well, it breaks my fucking heart. it does. so, there you have it. work's gonna get tricky because the bitchy supervisor who went mad w/ power and everybody hated is coming back to the department. she transferred, said she liked her new dept. and four months later, she comes in crying to our boss (who loves her and hated letting her go) about how awful she's got it. so, she's coming back. the good new is that she's not coming back as a supervisor. she's just a regular hourly employee. they replaced her and they can't just kick that poor bastard out of his supervisor postition cuz she's a fucking crybaby. the bad news is that i don't trust her for shit. now, i'll have this paranoid vibe at work. just swell. anyway, it's about 10:30, last night and my dad calls to see when my next day off is and i tell him tomorrow (today) and he needs me to go to home depot and buy some paint and rollers and wants me to paint at their house. i ask if my kid brother is gonna be there to help and he's going to the mall w/ his friends. school let out, last week and life's nothing but a party for that kid. it pissed me off: a) because i had plans. granted, the plans were to do nothing, but, that actually kinda made it worse because my mind was already so looking forward to doing nothing that it was in shut down mode. then, i'm in bed, with my sweet boy, naked (though not yet doing anything) and i'm embarrassed cuz i'm talking to my dad naked on the phone and i know he doesn't know that, but i can't help what embarrasses me so whatever, and i'm looking for a piece of paper so i can write down the stuff he needs and i'm the oldest so i've always been the one to help and do, then my sister was born and she wasn't about to pick up a shovel, saw, paintbrush, or whatever, then my brother comes along and he doens't have to do anything. i just can't believe i'm like the hired hand. whew. nice little rant. i know how immature i sound. very...marcia, marcia, marcia! i don't wanna come off as unappreciative of my parents. i would do anything for them. it's just that i'm not the only one that could do stuff for them. forget it. i sound like a jerk. uh........the upside was that being outside w/ the sun on my back and painting and listening to jack johnson was kinda relaxing. it did give me a quiet place to think. sure, matt called to see how i was and that was okay. adam called too, but, i didn't answer. i think that's okay too. i guess. i just needed to think. i have a tendency to live my life w/o a breath. work to home to out to sex to home to work to sex to out. and, i get stressed out and i worry and i want everybody to be okay and matt's kind of the only one who does that back. now, adam kinda does too. i think that's more attractive than any of his physical attributes. it is, or was (?) good sex, good conversation, and not too much else. he asks me things that are hard for someone like me to answer, but does it in such a sincere, caring way that i do tell him things. a lot of people would lose their patience with me. i know that. so, it means a lot to me when someone takes the time. maybe i'm looking for what i didn't get other places that maybe i should've gotten them. we're done here............ |
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