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2003-04-16 - 7:14 p.m. she gets paid to smile - the lemonheads matt heard me sniffling last night, came into the room, and asked what was the matter. i told him i was writing about jimmy, and he came over, kissed my cheek, and asked if i was okay. he knows the story, and that i think about it sometimes. i don't know if it's normal, i kinda don't think that it is, but, sometimes, i get teary at the simplest of things. i mean, the jimmy story is not a "simple thing", but, things like comercials, tv shows, memories, or whatever, they make me teary eyed. not like full on sobbing, but, teary nonetheless. it's so queer. my mom always said i was sentimental, so, as you can figure, i guess i've always been that way. it's not like i cry, and cry, or stay in bed all day, and can't function, like how you hear on tv talkshows, or whatever. so, in the grand scheme of things, i don't really think i am depressed. i just don't know how to explain it. it's no big deal. i don't mind feeling like crying sometimes, it's just that i feel like such a weirdo for feeling like that. it's like, i don't see or hear about the other guys i pal around with feeling like that, or the girls for that matter. i'm very uncomfortable with the idea of being radically different from my friends. i'd never admit that, but, there you have it. anyway, i told matt all this, not like he hasn't heard it before, and he kissed me, and told me things. he took me to bed, we made love, he held me. my point? i felt his arms around me, his legs wrapped around mine, his warm breath on my neck, and i felt happy, content. it made my eyes water, and i thought, 'you're so retarded'. he turned me around, told me that it was okay, that i never had to worry about how i was in front of him. i have to say, it fucking ruled. i guess i just needed to get some stuff out. i've held lots of stuff in, kept things under wraps, for a long time. whether i've needed to or not. the fact that i have someone like him is amazing to me. i don't know. i'm done trying to explain this. half sorry i tried, half not. later |
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