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2002-05-22 - 11:30 p.m. kiss kiss kiss kiss me love...just one kiss kiss will do...yoko ono how'z it? the david blaine special tonight sucked donkey balls. it was terrible. bleh. hung out at steve's for a bit. we sat and watched celebrity boxing. oy vey. last night i wrote an entry, and i didn't save it, and i was gonna add a picture, and then i clicked to the page w/ my pictures stored, and i clicked back to my entry, and poof, it was gone. i'm sure everyone else in the free world knows that's what happens, but, i didn't. oh well. i could lie, and say it was the greatest diaryland entry ever, but, i think we all know better. i watched the last rosie o'donell (sp?) today, and it was semi funny/touching. every audience member got a tivo 2. i thought that was way fucking cool of her. i'm so tired. i slept for shit last night. i don't sleep well anyway, but last night was worse than usual. i feel badly cuz when i can't sleep, matt can't sleep. i t0ss and turn, and he turns on the bedside lamp, and asks what's the matter. first off, why does he turn on the lamp. he does it every time. so, the first thing i say is, "turn off the lamp, screwball". turning on the lamp in the middle of the night is so...father knows best, or something. it's so pointless, you know? we're not getting out of bed, we don't need light. but, i digress. anyway, i don't sleep cuz i worry. it's like this switch goes on, and i can't for the life of me turn it off. so, i toss, and turn, and pull my legs up, and stretch my legs out, and kinda tap my feet, and it's terrible. what do i worry about? what don't i worry about: my nephews, my sister, my future, lapsed catholic guilt, my grandparent's dying, my job, terrorist attacks, etc. or i make lists in bed. what i have to do tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. i can't shut my brain off. then, i have to tell matt what i'm thinking about, and i feel so embarrased. he just puts his arms around me, kisses me, and tells me to, "shut up, and go to sleep". i really never cared for sharing my bed much. not cuz i'm some "lone wolf" who isn't comfortable being w/ another person. it's cuz i know how much i toss, and turn, and i kick the blankets off the bed, so i'm constantly worried about the other person, ah, another worry, but, with mando, and now matt, i think i sleep better. it's calming to lay with someone who's sleeping so soundly, and their breathing's so relaxed, so it makes sleep easier for me...sometimes. i was looking for my tape with episodes of my so called life. the christmas one, with juliana hatfield, in particular. i can't find the tape anywhere, and that drives me batty. i really wanted to watch it today, for some reason. i keep thinking i want to write about something else, but it eludes me at the moment. matt is gonna be finding out about the move soon. he may or may not have to. i want to start having dramatic sex, you know, like this may be one of the last times. i'm still trying to not worry about it. matt even talked about me moving w/ him to orange county. i used to dream about leaving "smltwn", but now, i just don't know. and please don't give me any 'if you loved him you would' bullshit. cuz my only response to that would be, "if he really loved me, he'd stay" bullshit. so, i figure, let's not go into 'drama queen mode' until it's absolutely necessary. hopefully, it won't come to that at all. i'm not really a woe is me type, but it's not an impossibility...i guess i'm done. goodnight... |
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