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2006-08-15 - 11:55 p.m. this is what you get when you mess with us - radiohead can't sleep. wanna sleep. can't sleep. it's been a nutty few days around here. work has been just horrendously busy. it's good and bad. whatever. there was a wedding saturday. it was fun. i had a few cervezas and danced a lot. it was cool. we went to the after party and that's when things got strange. the alcohol consumed at the wedding went from making people laugh and wanna have a good time to yelling and cussing each other out and shouting each other down. if people had listened to each other, they woulda realized that in some cases, that they were actually in agreement. it's too exhausting and confusing and just like super lame and dumb to even get into. it's just that when this happens, i'm always amazed and bummed out by it. lots of people in my family and lots of their friends / in laws drink too much. from jovial fun drunk to snarling violent drunk in about an 18 pack. kinda puts my 4 beers to shame. i'm not gonna get all like super into it or whatever and stuff. it's like just pointless. i don't want to call my family bad people. they are not. but there's something about people in their 40's not about to stand on their own that's just like.....worrisome. i don't drink that much. i always say that it's because i don't like the feeling of losing control. but, when i get mad. i mean real mad. what do i do? start swinging. get kicked out of bars and shit. upset my sweet boy. worry him for no good reason. is that any better? i'm not talking about why i'm so angry. some people know. some don't. i don't share that much of myself to too many people. not because i'm some mysterious, hard fucking dude. but cuz i'm scared. scared of what people will think. scared i'll be treated differently. just like a bunch of stuff, you know? i'm not a thug. i'm not an animal. i'm not a criminal. all that being said, i'm also no saint. far from it. so, matty and i are going round and round again. i'm shutting him out and i need to express how i feel more. he says i was doing so well for awhile, then, i just shut down again. he wants to know why. i'm not sure why. i don't like talking about what bothers me. i honestly feel like no one fucking cares. when i was a kid, if i told my mom i didn't feel good, she'd go, "YOU don't feel good, I haven't felt good for a week. i still go to work, come home, clean the house and make dinner. but, YOU don't feel good, huh?" yeah, so, that would basically shut me up. i'm trying to communicate that i don't feel good. i'm sick, i'm hurt, whatever and it was always this competition that i wasn't ever gonna win. so, i stopped saying too much of anything. i don't like attention. i hate compliments and when matty tells me i'm beautiful or that sorta stuff, i want to crawl out of my skin. it's gotten better, i'd say. i guess that i'm just not changing fast enough for matty. it's like two steps forward and one step back with me. we were in bed and i was relaxed and we were talking and i told him that sometimes, well, just that sometimes when i'm telling him how i feel. i mean, like really opening up, i'm always kinda waiting for him to be like, 'dude, shut the fuck up. enough'. that's how i really feel. i'm always afraid of saying too much. i was straddling him when i told him that, and he got annoyed with me. like, "oh, you think i'd do that to you?", "i can't believe that's what you think of me".....etc. i got really super embarrassed, then mad cuz he made me embarrassed, and i let exactly one tear run down my face before i got ahold of myself and blinked back the rest. i got off him, grabbed a blanket and went to sleep on the couch. he got in front of me and said don't leave. i'm so sorry baby. just all apologetic and shit. but it was too late. he made me feel shy and hurt my pride. so i gave him "the look", told him in my low menacing voice to get the fuck outta my way, and he did. he did because i scared him. it hurt my heart to talk to him like that. even though he hurt me first. but, it's what i do. it keeps people at a distance. vents just enough anger to keep me from swinging, and gets me what i want, to feel back in control of the situation, not as embarrassed and all that shit, you know? i slept on the couch for four nights straight. every night he'd try to convince me to come back to our bed. even when i finally did, and i got back into our bed, he was just scooting over to probably hug me and stuff, but i pulled away, and told him, "don't start that fucking shit or i'll leave". i know i hurt him, and i hate that so much. i know how fucked up i sound. i really do. i don't know what to do. so the people who were supposed to do certain things for me didn't. so trust is an issue. so i've been burned. why can't i just get over it? it's just like so stupid and stuff, you know? oh, man. well, i was gonna talk about the death cab show sunday, and going to see quinceanera, today. ....um........yeah.....maybe some other time. |
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