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2006-07-25 - 10:57 p.m. i'm knocking on your door - the walkmen it's hot. like, sitting outside at 10:30pm, eating melon with salt and pepper on it and drinking ice cold water kinda hot. matty and i have been just blabbing away for about 2 hours outside. we had (i had) another learning experience in the living with someone and communicating and that kinda stuff department. this morning i was up by 6, out the door jogging by 6:20. i told matty i'd be out for awhile and i was gonna go buy some new "tennys" and do some errands and stuff. he's always telling me to enjoy my days off and that i don't always have to be "on the clock". for better or worse, i've been treated like and expected to be a workhorse. it's the way it's always been and i don't really know any differently. some aspects of my upbringing....let's just say i'm not crazy about. crazy because of, but, not about. it is what it is. but, i work hard and truthfully, i can't really enjoy myself until i've done everything i feel that needs to be done. i'm not blind enough to not see that what i expect to be done in a "normal" day for myself is probably not what most people consider "normal". i guess i probably put more on my plate than most people would. i jogged a few miles. got home, dug up some bushes i wanted moved to another part of the yard, washed my car, showered, ate some grapes, picked up my cousin, went to find some shoes, found two pairs i really like, went to best buy picked up a coupla cds - be your own pet, film school, the duke spirit, drove my cousin to the local community college so she could pick up some placement test results, lunch at bj's, i was a glutton and had a baked potato the size of a hot dog bun. got a call from la liz and i really wanted to tell her to call me back, but, i know her and she woulda called me back like 2 seconds later asking if i could talk, so.....i just excused myself, went outside and took the call. it was half kinda serious about her, and half kinda serious about me. apparently, i'm the subject of some crazy, lame shit talking at work. courtesy of on adam g. i'm not gonna get all into it, right now, cuz it's just like stupid and embarrassing and it makes me crazy, you know? so, i'm listening, and it's hot outside, and i'm hungry, and i just don't wanna hear what adam the little fuckwad has been up to. i kinda told liz, look, babygirl, i get that you're trying to have my back, but, i'm in the middle of lunch with my cousin, and i'm standing out here in the heat and i don't wanna hear about adam anymore. she's like "are you mad at me"? and i told her no, not at all, but, you've told me the same thing about 5 different ways, and i heard you the first time. i also let her know that when i said i was done with adam, it was always her that would tell me to go easy on him. now, she's wet between the legs on the phone breathlessly recounting the rumors he's spreading about me. she didn't really say too much to that. i don't like being the hardass, but, you can't have it both ways. and why should i have to hear all this bullshit about someone i've written off. hellooo? that's why i wrote him off. because i know he's a shit. why keep exposing myself to that? don't worry. he'll get his. so, i get back inside, my cousin was fine. but, i still felt rude and stuff. also, i know that she wanted to know what was so important that i'm out on the phone for 10 minutes. of course, i wasn't about to get into all that embarrassing bullshit. we ended up at target and i bought my little no show socks and underwear and wifebeaters. the staples of my wardrobe. i also bought these brown and orange boardshorts that hit like mid thigh. they're a little shorter than i'm used too, but, i think i can pull 'em off. i've been in this weird little mood where i wanna try to be different. i want to be more outgoing at work and stuff. just tell people hi, and be more willing to make those little first moves that i tend to avoid in social situations. i don't know if this feeling will last, but, i'm just like trying to go with it or whatever, you know? i haven't told matty or anyone about how i'm feeling. it's just something that i'm gonna try to incorporate into my daily life. sounds so simple, huh? well, it's not. not for everyone. not for me. gosh, back to my day..... we leave target, get into smltwn around 5:30 and drop my cousin off, my aunt runs out and asks if i'll take her to the grocery store, take my aunt to the store, take her back home, get home and i'm hot and i'm tired, and i haven't even started dinner, acutually, i don't even know what i'm gonna do about dinner. i decide that i need to go to the grocery store and work it out. i'm cursing myself for not thinking about this earlier since i was just atthe fucking grocery store. just as i'm pulling out of the garage, matty's pulling into the driveway, "where're you going, pretty boy"? ......and, right at that moment, i felt like a failure? i don't know, something like that. i should have had all that taken care of. i should have been more together. i must have looked super bummed cuz matty got off his car into my car and asked what was wrong. i told him i drove people around, did stuff around the yard, listened to stupid phone calls about stupid people, and i should have been home sooner, with dinner going and taking care of him. he took me inside, got me in the shower, and as the cool water hit us, he told me that we're supposed to take care of each other. and, he needs to do more stuff around the house, and that just because he asks (he does) and i tell him i don't need any help, that he should just do more anyway. he told me that he's not gonna ask anymore, he's just gonna do it. i have been expected to take care of things for as long as i can remember. i know i sound like an oprah hausfrau, but, i just need to let go. we got out of the shower, and matt asked me what all i did today, and i told him and he was like why? and i put my hands in my pockets and did that inward shrug thing that i do, and mumbled, i dunno. he just hugged me and called me that name he calls me and told me to, "get ready, i'm taking you out to dinner". so fucking sweet. i love him so much. ..............um....yeah, so......dinner problem solved. later |
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