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2006-02-02 - 1:57 p.m.
am i hot or not?

i tried to take a nap when i got home from work today. i went in at 5am and was home by 1pm. i'm very tired. turned down dinner invite from steve and hollie, last night. chose to shag the boyf instead. good choice. did that stupid thing that i sometimes do after sex with matt. sometimes we'll be laying there recovering / luxuriating / whateverating, and we'll start talking about stuff. we're, you know, naked and sticky and all that kinda stuff and we just start talking. with him it's the most natural thing in the world. however, sometimes.......maybe frequently? what's more often than sometimes but less often than constantly? anyway, sometimes when we're having these post sex naked talks he'll say something or touch me in a certain way, and i'll realize the situation in a certain way (get embarrassed) and i'll pull away, or cover up with the sheets or whatever, and matt'll get his knickers (or lack thereof) in a twist, and i'll get mad that he's acting mad and it's so fucking retarded. we've both discussed this and agree that it's totally ridiculous. however, that doesn't stop it from still sometimes happening. it's like he takes it personally. he takes it like, my boyfriend can't talk/ won't talk to me, and he doesn't like that. as the shy party in all of this, i'm not too fucking crazy about it myself. here's what i think, we've just had sex, or, made love, for the romantics out there, and 10 minutes later we're bickering. that's such bullshit. we love each other and we live together and that just shouldn't happen. the truth is, i just wish he'd understand. i'm embarrassed about whatever and if he'd just give me a minute, i'll get over it. if i get that way and wanna blush or cover my balls with a sheet, then just let me please. i understand that he sees it as kinda pushing him away, but, if he really thought about it and was honest, he'd have to say that he knows full well that i'm doing no such thing. he'd HAVE to. it just goes to show, he's got a lot of issues about my shyness that he won't deal with. listen, my issues have issues, so, i'm not dodging responsibility in all this, but, he sends me mixed signals and it drives me nuts. one minute we're in bed and he compliments me and i turn away and blush and he's like that turns me on, it's so cute or whatever the fuck. the next minute i'm feeling shy so i'll cover up and he's like don't shut me out, it's not fair. so like which is it? a big fucking turn on or a big fucking drag? at least my shyness is a constant. it's unfailing in it's predictability. his take on it, on the other hand is not so predictable.

fuck me, what's a girl to do?

i so didn't mean to go off on that subject. i was gonna dry hump the keyboard gushing about daniel vosivic from project runway. he's dreamy. now i'm all annoyed with matty and i still have to figure out what i'm gonna feed his fine but infuriating ass for dinner.

grrrrrrrrrrrr!!

-take it / leave it-

older entries:
when the walls come tumbling down - 2007-08-17
long weekend - 2007-05-21
gays gone wild - 2007-04-22
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13

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