| current entry |
| older entries |
| profile |
| notes |
| lex designs |
| diaryland |
.....
 |
� |
|
2005-11-30 - 12:42 a.m. angry tears are too dear - the pretenders i'm supposed to go shopping later this morning. so why am i up? because...as usual, i can't sleep after sex. i could vacuum the house, wash my car, or go back to bed for another round.... .....but sleep? no. matty and i were cuddling afterwards, and his breathing got deep and slow, like it does and i knew he was asleep. he had his leg over mine, so, i tried super hard to just relax and sleep. i just couldn't though, you know? my foot started wagging and i wanted to get up so bad. i was sort of stroking his leg. the fuzzy thigh was very nice, and he murmured something like, "please go to sleep pretty boy", and that kinda got on my nerves, so i told him to just let me up. not in a mean way, it was just like normal, cuz i figured no sense in keeping both of us up, right? so, he asks if i'm okay and i tell him yeah, and here i am. i feel bad because i know he worries. cuz...well...sometimes i have nightmares and stuff. i don't think i've ever really mentioned that. stuff from a long time ago that still bugs me or whatever. i'm not gonna get into that stuff. there's lots of stuff i didn't write about in my last entry. we went to mattys moms before thanksgiving. she was alright, i guess. it wasn't about me and i like totally knew that, you know? i just wanted matty to be happy. i didn't want him hurt in any way. i just let them do the talking and was pleasant when spoken to. plus..... i was super embarrassed. i was putting on some chinos that morning and matt's like, "what are you doing?", i told him i was getting dressed. he was like for what, church? i told him to leave me alone. i wore the chinos and a polo shirt, like so what, you know? he wore plaid shorts and a tshirt. i didn't tell him anything about what he was wearing. when we got closer to his moms, i was bouncing my knee like crazy. he put his hand on it and told me to relax. he was asking me questions and i was either nodding or shaking my head in response. i'd throw in the occasional 'uh-huh', or, 'nuh-uh'. he was like, you're already getting quiet? oh boy. i was too embarrassed to tell him to fuck off, which should give you some idea of how embarrassed i was. we got to his moms and went in. she hugged and kissed matty and she came in for a hug towards me, which was really nice....but, i totally wasn't expecting one since she'd never done it before and i had my hands in my pockets.... ....soooooooo, when she hugged me unexpectedly, i had my hands in my pockets and i felt like a complete fucking ass. she didn't even seem to notice and when she let go and told me like it was nice to see me or whatever, i couldn't look her in the eye, and i sort of quietly told her it was nice to see her too. when she turned away to lead us into the living room, i looked up and caught matts eye. of course, i immediately looked back down, felt myself blush and just hated myself so hard. matty reached over and squeezed the back of my neck (which i love) and whispered, "you're fine, tony" there were a coupla other stupid things that i did. i was a little too mumbly, so, she couldn't hear me and i had to repeat myself.....a few (too many) times. and maybe there was some other stuff of basically the same nature. i left them alone and smoked in the backyard and just sat for awhile 'til matty came out to get me. i figured they needed that time alone, you know? we left to more hugs. i was ready that time. matty and his mom really seemed to be good. that made me so happy i can't even tell you. i didn't say much on the way home. i kinda felt like i had....not ruined anything, but, like made them awkward, or something. we'd been driving for like half an hour and he was finally like, "are you ever going to speak again"? and i told him i was sorry if i did anything to mess the day up. he asked if i was serious and i told him that i totally was. he was like i love you so much and you were an angel and my mom really likes you and she said you were adorable. don't worry so much, pretty boy. i was so relieved i felt like i was gonna cry or something. i know how stupid that sounds but that's how i felt in that moment. i just never want my stupid shyness to get in anyone elses way or effect anyone else in a negative way. because it's my problem and not anyone elses, right? i can't easily say how i feel. i've got my reasons. it's been like this since i was a kid. it is what it is. i just love matt so much. i don't know if i could ever change how i am fully. he says he loves me and he knows my personality is the result of a lot of things. just for the record, he's no prize either....totally kidding. i've gotta throw some levity in there because i've been getting a little too confessional. yeah, so..... later |
|
| � |
older entries: |