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.....

2005-10-02 - 11:11 a.m.
what the...?

how soon is now? - the smiths

it's been awhile.

i've been up since 6 and matty just got up like 2 seconds ago.

i got up early to wash my car. i have one of those mr. clean car wash gun things.

i get up, put on the coffee, and head out to the garage.

then, i realize, my gun thingie is at my parents, because my dad wanted to try it out.

shit.

i jog over, and my dad is just starting to use the spray gun thingie to wash his truck.

double shit.

so, we kinda talk while i wait. i try hard not to be impatient, even though i'm SOOOOO impatient.

that's when he starts telling me how crappy that the gun type thingie is.

it doesn't work very well, it leaves soap marks, blah blah fuckity blah.

sometimes, i just can't like deal, you know?

so...i told him that if it was such crap, then why did he use it.

and he got annoyed and i got annoyed and it just kinda sucked.

i don't wanna get super into it, you know?

it's hard and embarrassing and it's just so stupid. fathers and sons and all the bullshit that goes along with that.

last night, we went out to santa barbara. the wildcat lounge. great bar. there were four of us and we had a pretty good time.

actually, I had a pretty good time, despite the fact that the other two members of our foursome were "mattys friends".

yes, things have changed since we had the talk about how i felt left like it was me against his friends, while he was no help.

however, while they were nice enough, very nice, actually. i'm never gonna like them, trust, or respect them. they are respectful of matt and afraid of me.

that'll work.

like i've said, i try hard not to flex (i.e. be a bully), but, for better or worse, it's a quality that i've...inherited?

whatever.

i don't know how to explain it. i wonder why things turn out the way they do. a lot.

i was at my aunts last weekend. i just went by for a visit and ended up drunk and spending the night. the truth is, i went to check up on her since my uncle was way outta town at a raiders game. we ended up at vons buying some beer and snackies and sitting in her backyard; drinking, smoking and listening to music.

like many in my family, my aunt can drink and stay up all night. i can only stay up all night and drink a little.

anyway, since my uncle was away, my cousin was there. he's the 2nd eldest and a gangbanging drug addict. he's been kicked out of their house, but, my aunt lets him come around during the day when my uncle's at work.

he was telling me some crazy fucking shit. granted, it's nothing i haven't heard before, still, it blows my mind after years of knowing guys (and girls) just like him.

he's so deep into the life. it's sad, of course. the clothes, the language, the drugs, guns, etc. i've just never gotten it.

which, i guess, is a good thing. actually, i don't "guess", i know.

i don't know why i got into all that. it's been bothering me a lot since that night. i don't talk to matty too much about that stuff. when he first started coming around my family, and he met my cousins (most of whom are homeboys) he was like, "are they alright?" i got mad and said, "were any of them mean to you?" he said, "no. they were all cool" "well then, don't fucking worry about it", i said.

i'm a charmer.

on the one hand, i understood what he was asking, or why he was asking. on the other hand, it offended me. like, don't judge my cousins. don't make assumptions. don't look down on them.

even though....

i do it myself, sometimes.

well, not the look down on part. i would never do that. it's like, what if they looked down on me for being gay? it's the same thing.

we don't do that in my family.

my dad's side does, but, they're a "family", not a family.

by the way, the one cousin i mentioned is the only one who's all caught up.

i'll put it this way for the inexperienced: most of my cousins are like pedro's cousins in "napoleon dynamite" you know the ones who drive around in their "ranfla" (lowrider) and look tough.

they're not all drugged out gangbangers.

oh, gosh. what a complicated subject.

aye, you know, it's been so long since i wrote and alls i was gonna talk about was how i got really good at skating with one arm, how much the second episode of "lost" bugged the shit out of me (it was a fucking gyp), how one of my co-workers is driving me slowly insane(r), the uber-hot nubian god matt and i loved up on last week (he looked like the alfre woodards son on desperate housewives)...bootyliscious, and how much the son on nip/tuck looks like michael jackson and i can't handle it.

that's all.

well, now, i guess i sorta just did.

such a dork.

later

-take it / leave it-

older entries:
when the walls come tumbling down - 2007-08-17
long weekend - 2007-05-21
gays gone wild - 2007-04-22
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13

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