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2005-07-15 - 10:46 a.m. it's been a interesting/totally boring last few days. matty and i did go out the other night. we went dancing and it was fun and sexy and great. adam wasn't there w/ his date. i found myself equal parts disappointed and relieved. i'm over him. it's not that i'm still wishing for the frequent sex or the closeness i had with him. i don't know what happened really. it just sort of dawned on me, you can have a friendship, or, you can fuck everything up, but, you cannot have a second boyfriend. which, let's face it, is basically what was happening. it wasn't intentional. truly. i just got confused and let it go to far. sex is sex. i can just have sex w/o it meaning anything. unfortunate or not, you make the call. it's just, with adam...i thought i wanted more. plus, being the selfish fuck that i can be....well, i'll just let that one be. at no point did i ever think, hey, fucking matt and adam is great. i'm gonna try to get away with this as long as i can. it was a three party agreement (however vague). that i went and got all sprung on the third party....well, that's no ones fault but my own. wow. okay, not what i intended to write so much about........................... um, so, i ran into an ex in the parking lot of best buy. he was looking hotter than hell. tight t, tight dickies, shorter hair. he hugged me like we were long lost friends and told me he had been thinking about me (bullshit) and i looked good and asked if i still had the same phone number. i told him yes even though i don't. that's the second person i've done that to. is that as mean as i think it sounds? probably. the most stupid thing about the whole exchange, besides all of it, was that when he checked me out (just like i did him) he lingered at my legs. he always had a thing for my legs. anyway, i was wishing i had pants on, or long socks up to my knees instead of the shorts and no-show socks i had on. like i was giving him something he wanted without having a choice in the matter. that irked me so much. kinda dumb. i know. alright. i'll tell you the whole story. what irked me so much was that when he was checking me out and telling me how great i looked, my brain was like, fuck you, but, my everything else betrayed me. i felt myself get hot, go red, i couldn't meet his eye, AND i mumbled...something. i still have no idea what i said. alls i know is that it sounded like: mmmsugth, or something like that. he made some comment about my shyness. i don't know. something like he could see that nothing had changed there, or whatever. all i could do was continue to look down and mumble something unintelligible and start to walk away. once i got in the store i felt so hot. i was burning up. my knees felt rubbery, and for the slightest of instances, i felt like i was going to pass out. yeah, it was code fucking red shyness. it happens. i don't like it. fucking hate it is more like it. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. which is so unlike me, being the hateful prick that i am. whatever. it just really sucks. i felt like everyone in the store could feel me being embarrassed and just like, i dunno, like they could look at me and just tell and stuff. like it was physically obvious or something. it took a few minutes, or maybe seconds that felt like minutes to get over it. it was kinda bad though. when i can't really remember what happened, it's bad. i got home and matty was cutting some melon for a fruit salad and he asked me what was wrong, because he can always tell when somethings bothering me, and i told him what happended and he put his arms around me and i hated it and he tried to kiss me and i flinched. he let go of me and said, "relax, pretty boy. you're fine, okay?". being called that nickname at that particular time was not very wise on his part. i think the look i gave him conveyed that. he said he was sorry, but, it was too late. i took a long shower, put on some underwear and stayed in bed, watching tv. when matt asked if i was joining him for dinner, i said, "no, thank you" and he ate by himself. i was so mad, and embarrassed, and mad at being so embarrassed, and embarrassed over being so mad. i wanted to go out and apologize. .....but..... so, i didn't. and matt came to bed and he said he was sorry (again. when i hadn't even said it once) and i did that thing i do when i'm shy and can't really say much, and he undressed and got in bed with me and slowly put his arms around me and kissed me and told me he loved me and we went to sleep. i know how stupid i sound. i do. i don't know why i'm admitting this. this is not what i planned to write about. |
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