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.....

2005-06-22 - 11:04 a.m.
whatever

the thinking i've needed to do is still ongoing.

i've talked to adam and we hung out yesterday. i know that i don['t want to lose his friendship. that's super important. i know that it's more important than lust, or sex, or whatever. i know that my physical needs, or, what i want physically takes precedence over what's most important. i'm very immature like that at times. a lot, actually. it is something that i acknowledge, i guess.

doing something about it would probably be more important. so, that's what i'm gonna do.

yesterday was sorta weird, at first. matty and i met adam at the gym. after matty left for work, adam and i had breakfast. he was doing most of the talking which isn't too unusual with me and anyone, really. he finally kicked me under the table and said something about my being bashful. i shrugged and mumbled something non commital. he just kind of sighed and kept eating.

after breakfast, i told him i wanted to check out the comic shop up the street. he tried to get into it with me about what's going on, but, i just kinda blew him off. shrugging, mumbling...kinda being an ass. i mean, i was so, so, so embarrassed. it was hard to talk. i could've tried harder though. i know it was hard for adam to want to talk and have me be how i can sometimes be.

anyway, we got in his car, and he asked if we were ever gonna talk and i didn't say anything, so he comes out and tells me that if i didn't want to hang out why didn't i just tell him. why did i bother, etc. i told him i was sorry, i wasn't trying to be mean or anything, that i was just feeling super embarrassed and i didn't know what to do. then, he told me something. it hurt my feelings. yet, i know what he means. it's not the first time i've heard this, or some variation of it. he said, putting your hands in your pockets and looking down at your feet and giving me your puppy dog eyes isn't always gonna work. in fact, it's gonna get old, fast.

would now be a bad time to get into my problem with the whole "puppy dog eyes" thing? can i help my eyes? can people w/o brown eyes have puppy dog eyes? i think it's kind of retarded.

but, i digress.

i told him i was sorry. if i had known that i was gonna feel so embarrassed, that frankly, i wouldn't have hung out with him.

now, this wasn't a big dramatic blowout. we spoke calmly, but, honestly about how we felt. everything was said in normal speaking tones and volumes. i just don't want this to sound like a yelling kind of thing.

we drove down to the beach and went for a walk. the conversation flowed better...eventually. adam even apologized for what he said in the car. i told him that he was right, and not to be sorry. i didn't tell him it hurt me. let's face it, i'd never admit to that.

once i got home, i could'n't stop thinking about it.

i don't know what to do about that. the easy answer would be to just stop acting like that. however, if it was that simple, i'd simply stop.

guess that's all i have to say...

-take it / leave it-

older entries:
when the walls come tumbling down - 2007-08-17
long weekend - 2007-05-21
gays gone wild - 2007-04-22
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13

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