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2005-05-05 - 11:24 p.m. got to give it up - marvin gaye dinner was nice. i'm a little wound up. shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee. i told matt about ivy calling and about the party. i then tried to tell him about how i wasn't really in the mood to deal w/ his friends. unfortunately, i got all shy like and had a hard time making w/ the talk. matt told me we would talk later and got in the shower. i felt kind of ignored and that bothered me. when he got out of he shower, matt came over and put his hand down my pants while i was getting dressed, called me his pretty boy and kissed my neck. i told him i had to finish getting ready. we did the dinner thing and my mom was happy and that made me feel better. on the way home matty grabbed my hand and held it as he drove us home. "tell me what's wrong", he said. so, i did. well, as much as i could before i got all...how i get. we got home and matty apologized for making me feel like i was being blown off. he said he was not going to let his friends pull their bullshit, and that he never meant to make me feel like it was me against them while he stood off on the sidelines. which, by the way, he totally did. don't worry, i told him so. i told him i'd never let my friends pull that fucking shit to begin with. he said he was definitely in the wrong, but that i was so tough that he didn't think i needed any help handling his friends. the fact is i don't need any help dealing w/ those needledicks, but, him being on my side woulda made things better. period. the thing is, i don't want to have to be tough all the time. it's exhausting, dude. seriously. i'm always the "tough guy". i've always been able to take care of myself and that's a good and bad thing, i guess. it's not all his fault. i know that. i'm just trying to come out of my shell, and all i can say about that is...that it's fucking hard. i'd say that i was a little harder to crack than most. i've heard before that i don't give myself up to easily (sex notwithstanding). sex is easy. talking's hard. i'm so complex. right. |
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