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2005-03-17 - 10:52 a.m. tell me your story - elefant where do i begin? work has been really quite great. have i mentioned all the stuff going on? first, my bitchy supervisor transferred. that alone has made a huge difference. 2nd, the biggest baby in the dept. got another job, so he only works nights and i hardly have to deal with him. third, the girl who had the stranglehold on all the opening shifts is moving to arizona w/ her husband. it's kinda nice the way things are working out. i'm fresh from the gym and breakfast w/ adam. we've decided to de-sexify our friendship. well...really i decided. i wanted adam badly. so much so that i was fully contemplating breaking the rules and having sex with him w/o matt being around. i guess i'm just a dick. literally, figuratively (sp)...you figure it out. it was getting pretty intense. the 3 of us were at adam's and matt was doing something and i was kneeling between adams legs, totally into going down on him and he was moaning and running his hand through my hair, guiding/coaxing me and i just thought, this is where i want to be, like all the time. it was hot as fuck, but a little scary too. so...i talked to adam and he understood. i just don't know sometimes. i've balked at previous b/f's and friends who accuse me of being too sexual and not communicative enough. as patches said to me on one of the rare occasions that we got into it w/ each other, "it's too easy for you". meaning, i guess, that since i look the way i do that sex is unavoidable. of course he's gonna get laid....look at him. that's not all of it though. when i try to explain it, nobody wants to hear it. okay, i will admit that i don't try that often because it's embarrassing. which, unfortunately, is another part of the problem. why weilding my penis around is not too much of a problem and talking about how i feel is a problem..... well, that leads us back to the being a dick thing. i'm a gay male. an overly sexed species to begin with. i don't wanna just hitch my wagon to that old sterotype though. that's so unoriginal. do i love matt? more than i can say. i love him very much. i love sharing my life with him. waking up next to him everyday. am i a bad person because sometimes when i wake up with him, we're not alone? believe me, i'm not running for sainthood just because i don't cheat on him. also, they do call them threesomes for a reason. matt's not sitting in the corner watching. he's all up in there, as it were. when i told him that we shouldn't screw around with adam anymore, he just looked at me and said, "if you think that's best". i told him that i did, and he just nodded and kissed my forehead. we've been together for awhile and he knew exactly why i made that decision. so, when a day or so later, as i was kissing my way down his stomach, he asked if i'd fucked adam when he wasn't around, i wasn't exactly surprised. although, he does get points for asking me while his erection was stabbing my chin. what a position...literally and figuratively. i felt like i was gonna ralph it for a sec. then, i realized that i had not done anything deceptive and/or adulterous. i told him no and started crying. i basically let him know that i lusted only in my heart and that i wasn't sure why i was such a dick (literally and...you know the rest) and he was cool, but, he also let me know in no uncertain terms that if i ever fucked around on him that we'd be over. we're still friends w/ adam. he's a special person w/ a good heart. as usual, i had a vague idea of what i wanted to write about, and it included none of the above. to not be a complete waste of space, here are some of the cd recommendations that i had: world psychedelic classics 3 - love is a real thing (west african funk at its finest) kaiser chiefs - employment the futureheads - s/t also, i actually watched "new york minute" in its entirety, the other day....and liked it. so, so gay. later |
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