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2004-09-02 - 4:06 p.m. i feel for you - chaka khan i'm sleepy, a little cranky. i'm also kinda hungry. we went out, last night. just a little dancing and a few drinks w/ the gang. la liz was one hot mamacita. she was a maniac on the floor. chads hag was there w/o him. she kept smiling at me, which irritated me to no end. i also saw my old pharmicist, which was kinda cool. i had 3 beers and felt so yucky afterwards. matty called me his "little lightweight", which is retarded. i didn't so much feel drunk, but i felt like super bloated. maybe i was having my period. kidding. speaking of which, teri at work swears that she read somewhere that men have some sort of period/pms/time of the month thing. that it's like a scientific fact, or something. i've never heard that, but, it wouldn't really surprise me. speaking as the moody fuck that i am. anyhow, by the time we got home i was feeling better and definitely ready to bang around. matty was my plaything. not that he was complaining. quite the opposite, in fact. alls i know is that when i chewed on matty's earlobe for the last time before i came, i saw the clock and it was 3:47 or some shit. the sex was so worth it, but, i was supposed to be up early for breakfast w/ my buddy gabriel. when matty woke me up this morning, i seriously considered beating him to death. he got me up and we showered together. after extracting a promise of a visit to his office, he was off. i threw on some clothes or whatever and headed to ventura. i met gabe at the main st. steak house, and had the fluffiest pancakes ever. we went to see garden state afterwards. i loved it! it was very, very good. zach braff is so talented. not to be mean, but who knew the scrubs guy had it in him? bravo. i bid gabe a fond ta-ta and drove over to matt's office. i don't know what it is, but sometimes i get so uncomfortable. it's not shyness. i know what that feels like (believe me) and it's more than that. just random anxiety i guess. i'm getting ahead of myself. so, i get to matty's office and i kinda tell myself that i can't go in, that i don't wanna see anyone in there and that i don't feel like talking to anyone. i call him up and tell him to meet me outside. he tells me i promised to go in and kind of gives me a hard time. i tell him that i'm embarrassed for some reason (which in itself was terribly embarrassing) and he says, "fine", he'll be out in a sec. he comes out and he's smiling and we talk and it's cool. until he has to go back in. he starts in with he can't always come out to me, and i've got to make an effort, and that i can't always get my way. i didn't say anything. i just did this thing that i do when i get mad, but don't wanna talk about it. i'm not telling you what cuz it's like whatever, you know? it doesn't matter. besides, it's so subtle that you wouldn't even notice if you didn't know how to read me. ugh. anyway, he tells me to he wasn't mad, he was just saying, and to come closer so he could "say goodbye" (kiss and/or hug me) and i wouldn't go to him. he came up to me and said, "oh, my pretty boy. i'm sorry". i said, "fine. i love you." and i left. sometimes, i wonder if it's worth it. all this misunderstanding and hurt feelings. as much as i love him and living with him, it was so much easier when i didn't have to explain myself if i didn't want to. and i didn't have to worry about his reaction to what i did or didn't do. one minute i'm fucking marveling at how well he knows me, the next i'm wondering who this guy is that shares a bed with me and doesn't know me at all. is that melodramatic enough for you? |
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