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2004-08-26 - 9:40 a.m. it's a nice day to start again - billy idol alright i do have a topic in mind i briefly mentioned it in my last entry the sex i guess you could call me a sexual person i like it - love it - need it - want it - often some would attribute this to being a gay male i would attribute it to being male period i don't wanna get into all that sometimes, okay, most of my sexually active life, i put sex first. in my relationships i always cared about the guy, but you can bet the sex was awesome. luckily, i've never had complaints about the frequency of my ardor. even when the guy questioned my use of sex to avoid subjects (which was usually the case) they'd never not have sex with me. i'm not trying to say that i'm irresistible or super fuckable or whatever. i'm just saying that no one ever really called me on it. matt calls me on it. although, sometimes when he's trying to get me to open up and get over my issues (shyness/slightdepression/etc.) he uses "the sex". when i clam up...i REALLY clam up. usually, when i'm embarrassed i'll avoid eye contact, mumble, shrug or some combination of the aforementioned. i'm not trying to be difficult. i just don't like the subject, feel uncomfortable and react. whatever clamming up is different. i stutter and get feel paralyzed. it's pretty bad. sometimes this happens when matt is trying to get me to open up. when i won't open up emotionally, he'll open up my zipper and we go from there. it's like, he knows the way to this man's heart is through his crotch. i gotta way with the words, don't i? it's not like after all his attentions i sing like a canary. although, it's happened before. sometimes after sex, he'll try to get me talking (hell, sometimes during) and i'll just tell him, "i thought we were done with that". which really pisses him off, lemme tell ya. i know this makes no sense sometimes i think that matt's retarded. i love the guy, but dude you know? when we're alone and he says something about how he loves certain body parts or whatever i'm fine with that. i may blush or something or even tell him to shut up, but the truth is that i love when he tells me these things. i love them on the inside, but i don't know how to react to them on the outside. what he doesn't seem to get is that when he calls me pretty boy, or makes a comment about my butt in front of other people that it fucking embarrasses me. the point is not that i'm cute or have a nice ass. the point is that i don't wanna talk about that stuff in front of people because of that outside reaction i mentioned earlier. getting embarrassed in front of our friends is something i've done more times than i care to remember, BUT, just because that's the case it doesn't mean that i'm okay with it and i think that matt should fucking know that. you know? i'm done p.s. just to be contrary, here's a picture of a hot guy
please, out of respect for me, look, drool, enjoy but, don't fucking talk about it!!! kidding sorta later |
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