| current entry |
| older entries |
| profile |
| notes |
| lex designs |
| diaryland |
.....
 |
� |
|
2004-06-04 - 10:10 a.m. i guess i should - counting crows i must preface this entry with the following: a lot has happened and i will be all over the place. my aunt passed away almost two weeks ago. i was there at ucla when she passed. i thank god or who/whatever for that. i don't know what to say, or how to explain. i know i'm not the only one who's lost someone dear to them. but, let me at least attempt to explain. there are families, then there are close families. there are close families, then there's my family. we're so close. we were an unbroken chain. together from my maternal grandparents on down to the last great grandchild. now, a vital, beautiful, link is gone. all anyone can say is, "i can't believe she's really gone", "it doesn't seem real", "it still hasn't sunk in". it's so inconcievable that one of us is gone. the wake was when it kinda sorta began to hit me. i was a pallbearer, so i had to wait outside to help bring the coffin in. i watched family and friends pour into the church and it just sorta hit me, like why we were there. i felt dizzy, i held on to the railing in front of the church and began to cry. once we got into the church and the priest began to recite the rosary, i sorta just blanked out. i remember looking at all the flowers and thinking how bright they looked. like they were on a movie screen or something. next, i remember watching a seemingly never ending streat of people coming down the aisle to offer their condolences to my grandparents, my uncle, and my cousins in the front row. i felt people touch my arm, grab my hand, hug me. i saw their mouths move, but i couldn't hear anything. it really was a blur. there's more. oh, boy, is there. i don't know how long this sadness lasts. sometimes it's worse than other times. i know it will get better. **here comes my embarrassed need to explain myself** i don't wanna make it sound like we're all bursting into tears, and making big messy scenes. it's just strange. the day after she passed away, it was a sunday, we all ended up at my nana and tata's house. a few other people came over, friends and neighbors. you couldn't say anything w/o my nana crying. i remember eating some chicken that somebody brought and crying. eating a drumstick with tears coming down your face is fucking weird. when my cousin/best friend and her husband came down for the rosary and funeral, that was also weird. we had talked on the phone the day before they drove down and she said something like how even though she was updated and aware of everything, it was different over the phone and so far away. i understood what she was saying, but, i was close so i didn't really get it. when they got here and she read what i had written for the service, she broke down crying. it was the kind of crying that we down here had been doing. it was weird watching this quasi delayed reaction kinda thing happening in front of you. yeah, i wrote something for my aunt the morning after she passed away. i read it at the gravesite. a lot of people came up to me throughout the day to thank me for what i'd written. they said things like, "that was her", "you said what we were all feeling", and just other stuff. it was very embarrassing. i was proud of what i'd written. i was also proud of the fact that i read it out loud in front of everyone. i did it for my aunt, and for my family. i did it because even though everyone knows what a wonderful, thoughtful, kind person my aunt was, i wanted someone to say it out loud. i wanted that for her so much. i'm 31 years old today. all i can think about is last year. at my 30th birthday party they toasted me, various relatives yelled out funny, embarrassing things. everyone was laughing. then, the laughter was just dying down and my aunt sylvia said the last thing, "thank you for being you". it's what i think about often. i just wanted to thank her for being her. |
|
| � |
older entries: |