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2003-10-28 - 11:43 p.m. there's something about you got me down on my knees - teenage fanclub thanks for the notes kids. also, thank those kind souls who gave me the straight poop on anal. sorry, couldn't resist. um, my penis is still rubberized when performing intercourse, so....yeah. i guess we'll have the bareback conversation when the condom box is empty. not that it matters (too much), but, there hasn't been a third party for a long while. it's very important to me that i don't come off like a slut. it's strange to say that so matter of factly. i know that my next entry may be about an incredible "fuck session" with matty. i'd write about that. i have written about that. i might not say, "fuck session", but, i digress. anyway, i write about sex because i have sex. of course, there are things that i don't write about. all sorts of things.... ....and, i don't know where i'm going with this. here's the thing, i care about how i come across. i always have. i most likely, always will. there are several reasons why. my upbringing is pretty high up there. i can't even get into all that, but, trust me, that's a lot to live up to. there's also the double reverse crap i put on myself. oh, yeah, that's what i call it. double reverse. and before anyone tries to think too hard about it, i use "double reverse" whether it's applicible or not. hmm, okay, double reverse crap, double reverse crap. i'm gonna try explain it. i have a friend who's my age, good looking, has a hot body, good hair, he's a sheriff, and everybody loves him. he's nice to everyone. but.... when he's with (here's where you might hate me, but hang in okay?) a certain few of his friends, like his core group, he talks about how fat so and so looked, how unattractive whatsherface looked, etc., etc. first of all, when he calls someone fat, they're not. i wouldn't even consider them chunky or whatever. once, i was at a party and had on this really bulky sweater, out of nowhere, he comes up from behind, pulls up my sweater (in front of people) and, when i said, "what the fuck?", or whatever, he was like, "just checking. it looked like you were packing some on", or some bullshit. see, if i had gained weight, what? he was gonna point and laugh? here's the thing, i'm not supposed to care about that stuff. i'm in. i'm behind the curtain. only the chosen few get to hear this bullshit. that's always been the case for me. my looks have always gotten me "in". don't let's get started on how i argue w/ this guy. i know it's no excuse, but, i've known this kid forever. we used to play marbles in 2nd grade. my point? sorry, but i do go on. my point is simply this, i sometimes feel like i have to go out of my way to be nice to people cuz if i don't, they'll think i'm a conceited asshole. and by the way, i'm not just imagining that, sister. if i'm not friendly or whatever enough, it's because i'm a conceited asshole who thinks he's all that cuz of how he looks. i've heard it all before. it's funny how my known shyness, MY KNOWN SHYNESS, goes out the window when i've offended someone, and it immediately gets blamed on my looks. i find that equal parts, fascinating, and infuriating. so, i go against my shy, timid, bashful, whatever the fuck stupid thing you wanna call it. i prefer knowing cautiousness. i go against all that just so i don't piss anyone off. then, i feel angry cuz it's like this is a whole lotta bullshit all for being "cute". then, i feel bad that i feel bad. like, 'oh, i'm cursed with good looks. it's so hard' (don't i just sound like a douchebag?) then, i get more angry because i'm like, why should i feel bad about it? and maybe i do sound like a douchebag, but, my douchebaggy concerns are MY concerns. not my problem if you don't understand it. that's another thing. i know i'm not explaining it right. i'm leaving a lot out. i'm wording it wrong. my examples are weak, my descriptions, sorely lacking. all you're gonna get outta this is, i'm too sexy for this world. so sexy it hurts. see, double reverse. i've never talked about double reverse to anyone, ever. i've tried with matt, not double reverse specifically, but, the whole "looks" thing, in general. he never gets it. it's one of the few times that i wanna slug him. he tells me i'm, "overreacting". i don't know. i can't explain it. i'm done trying. oh, yeah, did i mention that we had drinks with friends tonight? and that my old marble partner was there? later |
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