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2003-08-31 - 12:17 p.m. you're out of touch, i'm out of time - hall and oates dancing was a blast. everybody had such a good time. it was nice to not worry about stuff. ryan was there, and he asked me to dance. ugh. i gently declined. he left me alone the rest of the night. i've never gone up to a guy who has a boyfriend, and put on the full court press. it's very...ballsy? stupid? romantic? i don't know. i just want him to leave me alone. he's super cute, nice, and has a killer body, and yes i dig that about him, in a purely horny guy way, but, if he can't be cool, then we can't be friends. i kinda wanna get into this whole thing about how people in AND out of the gay community are so hung up on looks. it bothers me, and i don't know what to do about that. as strange as it may sound, i feel sort of fortunate that i get to experience both sides of the bullshit. some guys think i'm pretty cute, but, there are those perfectly beautiful types that kind of size you up when you walk by, and dismiss you with a subtle eye roll, or sneer. it's a good thing to me. that way i don't get too full of myself, and you see first hand just how you don't want to be. i don't think i'm making any sense, but, i'm trying. i don't know. i just have this habit of going into certain situations, and treating them like anthrpological field work. sometimes, we are so mean to each other. the catty queen that insults the chubby guy has to know that shit like that hurts. i know that gay bars are like competitive sports, only the hot survive, but, i just don't fully understand the whole "mean" thing. if you're some hot guy, good for you, right? you're attractive, in shape, and people are attracted to you, and you still have to be mean? what's up with that? it just sucks, it's immature, and completely uncalled for. did i mention i had a good time, last night? i did, but i get involved in what's going on around me. even if it's happening to someone else, who isn't even with my "crew". and when i say i get involved, i don't mean that i walk up and get personally involved. not that i haven't before, but that's only in certain circumstances. no, i couldn't get personally involved in every rude episode in a gay bar. i'd never get a chance to breathe. well, i tried my pinstriped pants, and my dethkillers t, but, i felt very avril lavigne. all i needed was a tie around me neck. so, i settled on the pants, and my vintage blondie shirt. like anyone cares. yesterday was my nephew's birthday party. it was so much fun. the park my sister and her boyfriend picked was perfect. everyone showed up, and we had fried chicken, potato salad, and hot dogs. yum yum. my mom's potato salad is the nuts. my grandpa went, and i was so glad about that. he had a good time, and it's a real miracle that he looks so much like his old self after everything he's been through. it still sometimes kills me how matt is such a part of my family. everyone loves him, and he loves them. and i love him, and i love them. it's just a big 'ol love fest, i tell ya. my anxiety is subsiding, thanks to the ativan. i drove to the party in ventura all by myself. i made matt go with my parents, cuz i did't want anyone in the car with me. i've got to drive alone sometime, right? i was the tiniest nervous, but, it was nothing i couldn't handle. so, that was cool. we're bbq'ing tomorrow with a few friends. it's gonna be cool. i love entertaining, and matt does too, so it's like win - win. such a geek.... later |
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