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2003-06-29 - 8:07 p.m. everybody's jumping everybody else's train - the cure ok...so we don't get mtv2 in smltwn, and they've been showing it on mtv this weekend. i just watched the 2$bill show featuring radiohead (genius), and "the wrap" with my ideal smart/cute boy combo dreamboy, gideon yago. he hosts his own show. i have to have mtv2 if for no other reason to watch "the wrap". as much as it bugs matt when i ogle mr. yago, even he had to admit that he seems to have a hot, tight little bod beneath that t-shirt, and those slim fitting chinos. don't get me wrong, i've got a yummy sexy hot boy who's a champ in the sack AND who i love to talk to. he read me the paper in bed today. i love when he does that. he likes to point out interesting articles, and gets passionate about things. it's one of the many things i love about him. i know that i don't share too much about the little things that he does that make me go weak in the knees, but trust me, there's plenty. part of me just gets embarrassed, part of me wants to keep it for myself and be greedy. i was watching "high fidelity" yesterday, and the part where john cusack talks about "laura's" little traits that "just kill" him, and i thought i've got those with him, and it made me smile. in unsmooth segue news: i lied about feeling better. i'm still not right in my own head. i'm stressed out about lots of stuff. i want to go back to school. i want a new job. i worry about EVERYTHING. last night i tossed and turned, and could not get comfortable for the life of me. i felt so tense. i finally gave up the pretense of "sleep" and when i finally allowed myself to open my eyes, my chest felt tight and i felt like i couldn't breathe. not a pretty scene. after what seemed like a mini eternity, i was convinced that i was either A: having a heart attack, or B: dying. i wanted to wake matt up, but the part of me that stops myself short of actually making these scenarios "real" kicked in, and i started to ask myself, "c'mon, what are you gonna do, wake him up and tell him you're dying, have him call an ambulance, what?". thinking like that actually usually calms me down. like acknowledging the absurtity of the situation makes it less scary, less intense. after realizing that the panic wasn't gonna actually stop though, i woke matt up. there was no hysterical scene. no ambulance was required. i simply woke him up, explained my situation, and he took care of the rest. he took care of me. i'm not get super into stuff. suffice it to say, he stayed up with me, kept me calm. okay, i'm getting scared. is this how it starts? is this the start of something that i'm gonna need serious help with? that's another thing, as someone who worries about EVERYTHING, i get super paranoid when i think that something is getting out of my control, or might get out of my control. also, ever since my little freakout on the 405, i've been afraid to drive it, and haven't since. i drove to coldplay just to prove that i could, but, i haven't been to l.a. alone, and i haven't physically driven on the 405. on the way back from san francisco, we came back on the 5, and i was driving my parent's infiniti on the last leg home. i was a little nervous, but when we got to the grapvine, i was inwardly shitting myself. i was okay on the flat, desolate part, but when those mountains that flank the 5 appeared, i wanted to borch. i didn't say anything, just drove on. then, pyramid lake came in the picture. the up and down through the mountains was bad, but when i caught sight of the water...oh shit. i wanted to pass out. i was gripping the steering wheel so hard, i'm surprised nobody noticed. i made it, but it was not easy. i know i sound crazy. this is not like me at all. i keep waiting for it to go away. then i get scared, probably making things worse, and i fear it's just gonna go on and on and on. i. don't. know. later |
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