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2003-05-22 - 8:37 p.m. where are you going to...do you know? - diana ross so, we're watching american idol, and they announce the winner (yay ruben!!), and i start to cry. matt grabs my hand, and i start to bawl, like fucking sobbing and stuff. this lasts far longer than either one of us is expecting/comfortable with. first he just held my hand, then he pulled me into him and hugged me, then he was like, "are you okay, babe?". i wasn't. i didn't tell him that, but, obviously something was the matter. he got super apologetic, telling me that i didn't have to do...certain stuff, and that he wouldn't push about...certain stuff. the old me would've been pleased. getting away with shit and all that. i tried getting my shit together, apologized for the scene (to which he replied, "what scene, we're home alone, and i love you"), which made me semi lose my shit again. i was a fucking sight, i'm sure. i stopped, told matt i was sorry (again), disengaged myself from his embrace, sat by myself on the floor, and wished intently for the power of invisibility. i didn't want to be there, like at all. not because of him, but because i was just pretty sick with myself. i told him that i was wrong, and that i needed to tell him stuff. i told him that i was getting closer. closer than i've ever been. i asked him to be patient. he told me he would, and, well, he told me a bunch of other stuff. stuff that i'll never talk about here. i'm just afraid that he'll look at me differently, or something. i don't know. things are getting really real, and that's hard for me. but, not being able to be honest, and share my life with matt would be so much harder. i felt really bad about shutting him out so severely, and for being such a prick. i told him all of that. he just kept saying, "i know. i know. it's okay". i'm starting to loosen my grasp on myself. it's scary as fuck. i really need to though. playing it cool just isn't working anymore. crying jags are not fucking normal. panic attacks on freeways i could drive with my fucking eyes closed are not normal. pushing away the one person who means the most to you is not normal. later... |
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