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2003-03-20 - 4:33 p.m.
gigolos get lonely too

that sweet little boy who caught my eye - the pointer sisters

ugh..

so, sahara hotnights / ikara colt show last night. it ruled. rock chix with guitars on a stick. screwdrivers at patches', more drinks at the rainbow before heading into the roxy, got slightly tipsy...or...fucking hammered. whatever. matt had his hand in my lap under the table, then patches noticed and asked, "you alright, pretty boy?", she was just teasing, but i got super uptight. i was hating the drowning feeling, the drunk feeling, everything got too close, claustrophobic, i played it cool, wanted to freak, didn't, matt whispered sweet things in my ear, patches & jose did an almost convincing job of acting like they weren't watching me like a hawk while they carried on their own conversation, i relaxed (eventually), and had another beer. that was 7 beers for me (yikes), later, in the roxy, pathches announced that she was not going to work the next day, and that she was going to continue drinking. awhile later, she was kissing my cheek, and telling me how much she loved me, how happy she was for matt & i, how cute we were together, having me grab her buns to see how tight they were getting since she was hitting the gym 5 times a week now, and how, "even your ears flush when you're embarrassed", oh, AND how cute funny it is when i leave a message on her cell phone. 'hi...uh...it's tony...uh...just like...call me back...uh...whenever...bye', it's really funny when i do that. i guess i'm just being a baby. sorry.

did i mention that i had a good time last night? jesse camp stood right behind me, looking freaky. on the way back to the car we passed by the rainbow, and b-real from cypress hill was there with his posse, and damn did it smell like weed.

okay, back to me, i need to not be so uptight about things. i just don't know when i will be, so the pre-emptive strike thing is tough. also, when i get over my embarrassment and stuff, it takes awhile to be fully over it, so, you can't start fucking with me too soon afterwards, i'm fragile - handle with care (barf), like in the club, i overheard jose ask like, "what exactly happened out there?", to patches, and she told him she figured out matt was screwing with me under the table, and i got embarrassed. he then asked her, "why did you say anything?". THANK YOU! she got defensive, told him, "i was just fucking around! i didn't mean anything". they didn't like fight about it all night, but, i do think that's when she decided to keep drinking, and not go to work. she also told me earlier on at her place that they aren't sleeping together as often as usual. i sometimes think that she's fucking with me a little harder than she needs too, and she knows it, but, then i feel guilty for feeling that way. i can't really say what she does cuz then i'd have to say things about me to illustrate, and i don't want to talk about that and stuff. so, now i sound like a fucking mental patient. whatever. she just takes my good qualities, which are pointed out by others, and sort of amplifies them and stuff, i don't know, dude. i can't explain it, so, forget it.

i don't want to seem weak when i write about this stuff. to me, i sound so retarded. like, oh i'm embarrassed. it sucks. it's hard. i feel like i can't breathe. woe is fucking me. but you know what? it does suck, and i do stutter, and blush, and mumble, and look down at my shoes, and i do feel like i can't breathe. it is hard to feel like that when i feel like that. i can't turn it off. so, i'm just the pretty boy shy guy. it's such a fucking joke. but how can i complain? i'm hot, and i have a hot boyfriend, and what can i possibly complain about? right? people like me don't get to complain. that just makes me more of an asshole.

whatever. let's just fuck this subject

-take it / leave it-

older entries:
when the walls come tumbling down - 2007-08-17
long weekend - 2007-05-21
gays gone wild - 2007-04-22
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13

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