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2003-01-20 - 5:48 p.m. okay, mando didn't stay with us friday. he picked up "the artist", and they stopped by to say their goodbyes before heading off to san diego. when he got me alone, he explained that he felt uncomfortable about staying with us because he still had it in his head that i was secretly upset about the whole him/theartist thing. i'm not, and for the (hopefully) last time explained that to him. it was good. i guess he's been carrying around some guilt, or something. it's not this earth shattering situation, but, it is/was akward. the thing is, it's been so long now, and to think that mando has been carrying this around made me feel bad. i kept thinking, have i been acting in such a way that it seems that i'm upset? not sure. i think that the reality is that he was just guilty. we had our tender moment, and i wished them well in every imaginable way. he was my first love, and we'll be connected for the rest of our lives. at least i hope we will. as for the artist, well, he's a very special person in my life as well. a lot of things happened, and he was my last big fling. of course, he's so much more than that, but, in the interest of my being a shy freak, we won't get into all that. listen to me, i sound like i'm never gonna see them again. of course i will. it's just that things are changing, and i'm not usually a fan of change. i am very happy for them, and i only want the best for them. i love both those guys something fierce. saturday was fun. i got pretty drunk, and danced a lot. the music was fun, and the vibe wasn't too catty. i like clubbing, and all, but, sometimes the whole "gay thing" is such a drag. guys can be so catty. we went to this club in weho awhile back called "player". it's in the very heart of weho/boystown/queer l.a., and oh, what a scene. attitude to spare. i just wanted to have a good time. that's all i ever want when i go out, you know? sometimes, you just walk in the room, and you can feel the eyes upon you. not in a "look at me. i'm so hot" kinda way, but, in a "girl, please. who does she think she is?" kinda way. you're just being sized up, and judged. you're there to dance, drink, and you have to put on your "gay face". the super cool, snobby face. i hate that face. but, it's that, or....or what? i'm not even sure, actually. believe me, i like to look nice, and dress up, and all that kinda stuff, but, - oh, god. you know what? i'm done. i'm trying to vent, but, also feeling mighty lame, and thusly, getting embarrassed. i'm halfway through "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius", and it's so good. i can't wait to finish, and pick up dave egger's latest book. the golden globes was mildly entertaining. renee zellwegers (sp) was touching. if you're like me, and get touched by celebrity acceptance speeches. anyway, she made catherine zeta jones cry, and when i see someone cry i always kinda join in. my mom always called me "sentimental". i guess. i'm starving, and matt is supposed to pick something up. probably chinese. i don't really like chinese, so, he'll probably just get me some soup. that's cool. yeah. goodnight. |
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