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2003-01-16 - 1:06 a.m. no point now, it's too late - the strokes now playing: the ravonettes - whip it on mando is coming to stay with us friday. he's taking "the artist" to san diego saturday, and why drive up all the way from s.d. when you don't have to, right? once this happens though, mando won't come around as much cuz he comes to see the artist, and now the artist will already be with him. which brings the obvious fact that if the artist is with mando, then he won't be here with us. i'm pretty bummed. i knew i would be, but, it's coming, and getting really real. duh. i'm not crying myself to sleep at night, or anything, but, i'm getting sad. i don't wanna let on to matt though. i just don't want him thinking that i...well, i don't want him thinking anything silly. he's not a jealous asshole. not at all, but, all the same. i've been feeling sorta depressed lately. just about a week, or so. i haven't mentioned it to anyone. i don't really see the point. by the by, this funk is in no way related to the mando/artist thing. i've been in funks before, and this is just one of those. it maybe just residual melancholy from my recent illness. i'm feeling very sketchy about discussing this. i never really got to complain as a kid. i'm not traumatized, or anything, but, i do sometimes wish that i wasn't so uncomfortable about it. there are things i kinda sorta wanna get into sometimes, and it's hard to do. i wonder if that will hinder my relationship with matt. like, if something really serious came about, could i discuss it, or would my hang-ups interfere with everything? let's put it this way, when i was younger, i was positively convinced that my dad didn't love me. i'm talking for years. YEARS. i always wanted to ask him, or my mom, at least, but, i could just never do it. then, something happened, and he told me he loved me. man, i cried for like, ever. i finally knew that he did. after so long. i know this doesn't make any sense. but, my point is that i'll hurt, worry, hold stuff in for as long as it takes, and sure it comes out in other ways. when i'm being an asshole for "no reason", well, there IS a reason, but, "you", the recipient of my shit, will never know exactly why, because i'll never tell. get it? i'm not trying to be complex. i'm certainly not writing this for attention. if anyone reading this actually knew me, and tried to comment on this, i'd threaten to blast them for bringing it up. all i know is that it's 1 am, and this is what i'm feeling, right now. i'm unhappy. it's old stuff, it's new stuff, it's impending stuff, it's my stuff. much of it self imposed, i'm sure. so, i'll go wake matt up, make love, wrap my arms around him, and try to sleep, and deal. my life is not a bad thing, you know? i'm blessed with so much. a little unhappiness now and again isn't anything i can't handle. i hope i feel better soon. that's all. |
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