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2002-11-20 - 10:51 p.m. we need more drugs - division of laura lee today, my co-workers were talking about me. that i don't say anything, i'm always so quiet, etc. blah, blah, the usual. a few days ago, this girl i met at club sucker told me i had an innocent quality. she'd known me for all of 2 nanoseconds. i've heard this junk most of my life, but, it still trips me out. i don't say anything so people just fill in the blanks on their own. it's not that part of it that bothers me. the part that irks me is when i have to, correction, FEEL i have to prove them wrong in some way or other. why do i feel i have to prove them wrong? well, because they're right, duh! i don't like being so predictable? obvious? easy? besides, these people are only half right. maybe not even that much. and another thing, so i mumble, and blush, and OBVIOUSLY get embarrassed, and what? they're sherlock fucking holmes? it's like seeing someone crying hysterically, and patting yourself on the back because you know something's wrong. i mean really, how much brain power does that take? as far as the whole "innocent" thing goes, well, i guess the way i look paired with my quiet exterior give people a specific impression. but again, they're filling in blanks. i don't know where i'm going with this. sorry. i just get bothered by people scrutinizing me, or trying to figure me out, and sum me up. on the other hand, the whole "innocent" thing has gotten me lots of stuff. jobs, information, sex. whatever. here's the deal: i want to do what i do, be who i am, how i am, and not be bothered about it. i'm not doing anything wrong. no laws are being broken, so what the fuck? i don't want to hear how "cute" it is that i talk the way that i do by dumb girls. i talk every goddam day of my life, and will continue to, so, it gets pretty fucking unbearable to hear stupid shit like that. in my younger days, i'd just stop talking, but now that i'm all grown up (mommy wow! i'm a big kid now) i can't do that. if i could just explain myself, and how it feels to be embarrassed then things would be much easier. BUT, if i could do that then i wouldn't be embarrassed, now would i? i really try to not let this stuff bother me. it's been going on for years, and you'd think a more intelligent person would accept, and just deal. maybe i'm not too bright. maybe there's an answer, and it's been right in front of me all this time. i don't really share this stuff with anyone. it's too difficult to explain without stuttering, and, 'um..um..umm'ing'. i HATE when i do that! and once i start? ugh, hang it up, you know? then, after all that work, just getting the balls to broach the subject takes work, after ALL that work, i end up mumbling, 'never mind, nuthin', forget it.' and yes i get the concerned, "are you sure, tone?", but see? it's too late. i can't do it. i've gotten to the line i can't cross. my feeble little mind shuts down, and i won't let myself talk about those sorts of things anymore. i can imagine how lame this sounds, and it's not like i don't have amazing conversations with my nearest & dearest. it's not like i can't talk at all. of course i can, but, going for years without being able to tell my loved ones how it feels when i can't talk, well, it sucks. i know this won't change anything, but, i do actually sorta feel better, and that's good right? so, tomorrow or the next day, or the day after that when i mumble into the path of yet another "blank filler-er", i'll just try super hard to not be bothered by it. what else can i do? |
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