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2002-08-28 - 11:48 p.m. hey, i just lost this longish entry, and i'm mildly upset. it was just a bunch of rambling nonsense. you know, the usual. i did compliment sinister fox. i'll throw that back in. and i talked about how sick i am of steamed rice, and chicken. i vowed to eat pizza tomorrow. i related a cute little story about matt leaving me an obscene text message on my cell phone while i was at work today. aaawwwww.....shut up. i proffessed my love for him. i talked about how people make strange assumptions about the two of us. based on what, i have no idea. neither of us is particulary fem. i don't think we're super butch either though. although, if i had to pick one or the other, it'd be more on the butch side. if you take stock in that sort of thing. i talked about how i think alot of guys missed out on fucking me cuz they just assumed i wouldn't be down to give it up. i also went on to say how i enjoyed taking it up the ass as much as the next (gay) guy. but, for whatever reason guys didn't think i'd be into it. today, when i was showering, i was thinking how i do some of my best thinking in there. then, i started thinking about how when i used to think that i did some of my best thinking whilst recieving of blow jobs. one of my exes, who i write about alot, used to give these really good blow jobs. long lasting ones. i'd get so relaxed, and my mind would just sorta wander. i'd get a lot of ideas for my artwork, and stuff. the point is, i have to be doing something in order to think. i can't just sit down, and try to formulate stuff. i become too distracted, and it ends up not working. i wish i could concentrate better. i'm semi horny right now, and i don't wanna wake matt up. i hate that. he tells me all the time, "tone, you've gotta open up. you have to not be so worried about how you'll 'come off'". he's right, and i know it. he's trying to undue years of self taught bullshit. he's definitely gotten more than he's bargained for. he has no idea. he's so well adjusted it's sickening. he says he's just as screwed up as anyone else. i'm not so sure though. he tells me i've got to let it out more, and not hold stuff in so much. not to be so shy around him about the way i really feel about things. i think he takes it personally. i want him to realize that it's not that i'm deliberately keeping stuff from him. it's more about saving myself from my shyness, and stuff. i'm not doing anything to him, but i'm doing stuff for me. make sense? i didn't think so. i'm not keeping anything major from him, but, i understand that now that we're living together that he wants us to be able to share easily, and openly. i want that too. believe me. when we're cuddling on the sofa, or making dinner together, or laying in bed, and i say, "can i tell you something?", he always answers with, "tone, you know you can. anything. anytime. always." it kills me when he says that. he's so sincere. so goddam open to me. it does kill me. it really does. i can hear the hurt in his voice, you know, because i even have to ask that. and i try not to. really. i just..well, i just don't like burdening anybody with my feelings, so i think it's polite to ask first. i'm trying to be considerate. it's what i've done all my life. and as much as i fucking love this kid, and i do. it's gonna take some time to stop doing these things that are second nature to me at this point. i don't even know i'm doing 'em half the time. i dunno. i'm just stressing. i've explained all this to him, and he's cool. i just think that in his mind i should be working harder to get over it. maybe not. maybe i'm just projecting my own dissapointment with myself for not being able to do it more easily on him. whatever the reason, i'm really gonna make more of an effort. for real. for keeps. for matt. goodnight. |
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