| current entry |
| older entries |
| profile |
| notes |
| lex designs |
| diaryland |
.....
 |
� |
|
2002-07-29 - 11:27 p.m. hey, i just told steve that the reason i didn't go to his birthday party is because i didn't want to be at a party where i wouldn't know everyone, and i didn't wanna feel shy, and/or anxious. now, why would i tell him this 3 weeks after the fact? a: cuz i haven't seen him in awhile. b: because my sense of honesty was working overtime. i didn't lie to him about why i didn't go. i just didn't tell him that i knew for a fact that i had no intention of going. see, when i got my invitation it was a bday party for steve, and ryan. my first thought, WHO is ryan? i know no ryan. that's where i basically knew i wasn't going. i thought, i don't know this ryan person, and i imagine he has friends, and family. all of whom who would very likely be there. that settled it. i WAS NOT going to be somewhere where i wouldn't know half the people. period. now, don't let's get started on how the day had NOTHING to do w/ me in any way, shape, or form. i just knew i couldn't handle it. so, i shined it. irresponsible? yes. necessary to my not being a mumbling, stuttering freak? absolutely. it was a no brainer. thankfully. he understood completely, and that made me sad...in a way. my friends aren't surprised one bit when i do something strange like that. so, as i've long suspected, i AM a weirdo. i mean, i fucking KNEW it, but, the fact that it's so known to everyone else is a tad disconcerting. i like to fool myself into thinking that i'm not THAT strange. oh well. just the other day, i was in bed w/ matty, and we were talking, and he brought something up, and i got super duper embarrassed. although, i was trying to act like i wasn't. so, i forged ahead, even though i did NOT want to talk about it, and i started stuttering...a lot. i fucking hate when i do that. i'm a lousy liar. anyhow, i sound like a tard, and matt sorta overreacted. he was like, "are you okay. it's okay. i'm sorry". i was stuttering. he didn't kick me in the nuts, i wasn't having an epileptic siezure, or anything. so, i got mad at him. mad for bringing the subject up. mad at myself for being sooo shy, and unable to deal like any normal person. in fact, i was far more angry w/ myself, but, i took it out on him. he let me. later on, he came into the living room (where i was stewing), and told me to come to bed. i did, and we talked, and we apologized, and held hands, and sang endless fucking choruses of kumbaya. j/k about the last part. but, we were cool. the conversation was honest, and fine. the only thing i didn't really care for was when he said something along the lines of, "i didn't know your shyness was THAT BAD", or some shit. first of all, i thought he did know. second, i thought making it sound so bad just sorta sucked on his part. it sounds like i want it both ways. i probably do. i know, whatta dick. my big rambling point is: i don't want to be looked at as PROBLEMED. i AM problemed, but so is he, and so are you, and so are we all. i don't want my problems to be any more pronounced than anyone elses. that's not how i operate. i don't want to be the singled out guy. i've gone my whole life avoiding just that. and i'll be godfuckingdammed if i'm gonna start now. whatever. late... |
|
| � |
older entries: |