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2002-06-27 - 10:28 p.m.
i don't know if i agree w/ all of this assessment of myself, but, whatever. i slept like the dead today. as much as i usually hate sleeping my life away, i hafta say, it was the nuts. i woke up around 9, thought, fuck this, went back to sleep, woke up at 10:30, got up, pissed, watched t.v. matt called, wanted to go out to dinner. ironed some clothes, made lunch, treadmilled, showered, slept some MORE, and was awoken by matt as he slid into bed w/ me. actually, he scared me shitless. screwing around in the middle of the day is pretty darn cool. it's so...naughty. i'm glad a certain someone who recently wrote that they were laying off on the dland is still plugging away. this place is custom made for venting. if people are bored, fuck em. there's plentya other diaries to amuse them. i worry about what people are thinking, like, all the time, but, surprisingly, it doesn't really stop me from writing what i want. the only problem i have w/ my entries is that when i reread them, i realized that a lot of times they make no sense...except to me. i leave out a lot of things that would make them more understandable. but, just imagine if i wrote EVERYTHING. these entries would be super outta hand. i mean, shit man, they're already long as fuck, you know? so, things are okay in relationship land. i'm trying to be as honest as i can about my feelings, my needs (OH, that sounds lame), and my attitudes/actions towards his feelings, and needs. a friend of mine gave me some advice. he said i should think about why i don't want to live w/ anyone. not for my boyfriends sake, but for my own. i'm totally dead set against it. and i know it's my shit that's keeping me from doing it. shit that i've been carrying around. unchecked baggage, and all that sappy shit. sometimes, my weakness is so goddam sickening. i can't stress that strongly enough. so, i won't even try. what am i talking about? i thought you knew. j/k. i know what i mean, and maybe one day soon, you'll know too. i'm thisclose. just your average childhood bullshit. i realized that my brother and sister have no idea how my parents used to be. they've gotten tastes throughout the years. but, i was the only child for 10 years, and i got em at their youngest, and unstablest. it wasn't super terrible. i just hung out in corners of the house, and kept my mouth shut. and YES, i realize that's where my unending supply of shyness comes from, why i don't like drawing attention to myself, my need to make everything okay for everybody, even if it's not for me. and it's where my moodiness, my go for the throat cruelty, and my impatience come from. but, i love my parents. we're all damaged goods, in one way or another. it's no use crying about it. it's no use hating your parents. but, just in case you do, ask yourself this, how are thier parents. i'll bet you a million bucks they were EXACTLY like the parents you hate, or worse. it's all learned behavior, after all. once you stop looking at your parents as mommy, and daddy, and see them as the sons, and daughters of your grandparents, and the brothers/sisters of your aunts and uncles, etc. etc. you'll fucking trip out. i was hipped to all this at a very young age. remember, i was the only child for ten years. i heard, and saw a lot. that's my problem. not yours, not matts, not anyones. i can handle it. don't i always.... |
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