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2002-06-05 - 10:45 p.m. if we could start anew..i wouldn't hesitate...little anthony and the imperials hey, today was fun!! work was nice, and slow. we basically sat around, and shot the shit. that doesn't happen too often, so we took full advantage. i found out that brent told some of the girls about our...day together. oy vey. soooo, i had to endure some teasing from la liz. she kept asking me how big his cock is. i told her the truth, i have no idea. aye, that girl, she's too much. i can't even tell you the funny as fuck things she says, and does. she's pure comedy, trust me. she's cool cuz she is one of the very few people who can make me laugh about my shyness. she doesn't let me get too into it, and that's rad. i got a gift in the mail today, and that's rad too. i love gifts. i don't think i mentioned what matt got for me, sooooo: first of all, an outfit. i know, how gay is that? i told him we are now eligible for gayest guys...ever. i'm kidding....mostly. actually, it was pretty cool. when i say outfit, i mean outfit. jeans, boxers, t shirt, polo shirt, sweater. the whole shabang. that's pretty gosh darn cool. AND, he gave me a gift certificate to american eagle, so i can buy even more clothes. also, he paid for everything last night. parking, my cd's, dinner at roscoe's. so, i'd say i made out like a fucking bandido. don't worry though, he was rewarded handsomely in non monetary fashion. needless to say, i felt even worse than before about what i did. matt told me that was all part of, "the plan, motherfucker". i thought that was hilarious. he never cusses, or hardly ever, and i cuss like fuck, see? so, him calling me a motherfucker is pretty hardcore for my 'sweet boy'. i told him seriously though, about how bad i feel, and how sorry i am. he's so goddam sweet. i hate to say lame things like i don't deserve him, but, sometimes i'm not so sure, you know? this feeling is weird. hurting someone, and being forgiven, and dealing w/ your own guilt, and juggling the feeling bad w/ the on going process of living your life. does that make sense? i'm in this strange position wherein i feel like i should still be punishing myself, buuuuttt, i can't go on, and on, and on about it cuz then i'm basically just throwing it in matt's face all the time, right? like, oh babe, i'm so sorry for what i did to you. you know, what i did? that one time, with that guy? remember? what i did?...annoying, ain't it? yeah, it is, so...i can't constantly bring it up, but acting like it never happened, and getting into bed w/ matty every night, and just...living, seems too easy. i dunno...as i've mentioned, i can't just enjoy the good stuff. although, in this instance, i think i'm right. ??? let's see...what else....oh, motherfucking lakers!! yes!yes!yes!!!!!!!! i know it's only the first game, but i'm predicting a 3peat. you heard it here first, y'all. i got taken out for drinks tonight by the gang. since i went out alone w/ matt, last night. i didn't get drunk tonight. i only had like 3 drinks. i'd like to think that if i had gotten pedo, that i wouldn't be writing right now, but...who knows. so, la liz, and matt, and tafkaj, and danny, and, and crazy melissa, and pokey, and a coupla other of my homies were there. it wasn't like a full on thing just for me, it was lakers/me. i wouldn'ta wanted it any other way. so, tafkaj says that mando is coming down in a coupla weeks. i guess we're all gonna get together. mando actually called a little bit ago, and still wants matt, and i to go down to san diego, and spend a long weekend, maybe stay in mex one night. i don't know, matt says he's down. he doesn't mind spending that kind of time around mando, and tafkaj. so...maybe. gosh, i'm dog tired, y'all...so, goodnight |
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