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2002-06-03 - 8:08 p.m.
but i've never been to me...whatever

hey,

um...yeah, i read my entry from last night, and i'm mortified. after i came out from under my desk, i decided to never write drunk again. let's see how long that one lasts. the truth is a powerful thing, and i'm the type of guy who can't keep my feelings inside for shit. so...give me some booze...something to obsess over...throw in a little paralyzing shyness...and presto, i'm spilling my guts in a unhealthy, yet necessary way. i want to say something...so..i'm..gonna...i needed to say how bad i felt, and...i feel like i'm a weak person because i don't really think i have the right to hurt..at least, not for myself. but, i do hurt..and..i said it..and i'm very embarrased...and i'm done now. sorry. ooh, that was painful. if you are not a shy person, or know a shy person, then i sound like a fucking loon right about now. it's very difficult to say things that you (incorrectly?) feel are personal, and that you feel draws undue attention to yourself. that's the simplest way i can put it. btw, you also learn to express yourself in this fucked up sort of shorthand, cuz the less said, the better, you know? i only say it's fucked up, because it's fucked up for the other person. i know what i mean, but you may have to surmise, interpret, divine, guess, make something up, pretend to care, et. al. because i'm not very forthcoming. actually, it's not that dramatic. if you know me, then i can most likely talk to you w/ ease, or you know how i operate, so you know what i mean, and you can follow my lead...such as it is. i have this habit of asking my friends, "can i tell you something". it's one of those things i do w/o realizing i do it, if you know what i mean. anyway, when i say those 5 little words, it's semi hilarious. the other person is always like, "yeah, of course", or "please". the words aren't funny, it's the way they sometimes say 'em. it's not full on breathless anticipation, but it sometimes seems to border on it. i silently wonder, 'am i that bad'? like the simple act of me sharing is something to perk up at. like it's such a rare event or something, that these people are like, hold on, let me turn the telly off, or something. actually, if they did that, i would immediately clam up...too much focus on me. that really fucking freaks me out. this may sound stupid, but i talk about myself alot on this thing. i mean, i know, it's like, what else am i gonna talk about?, but..that's not what i mean. i think this forum is very helpful, and i enjoy it...most of the time. it's funny to actually become embarrased in front of a computer screen, but it happens, only sometimes though. but, here i can work through that, and say how i feel. god, i can't stand how i feel right now...............it sucks. my friend bought me a book once. like how to overcome shyness, or whatever. first of all there was the horrible build up. my buddy going, "now, don't get embarrased....but, i think you could use this". i won't even get into the fact that as soon as somebody tells not to, that i do. jesus, you'd think that would be obvious. oh gosh, my point is pointless...so..i'm..done..goodnight

-take it / leave it-

older entries:
when the walls come tumbling down - 2007-08-17
long weekend - 2007-05-21
gays gone wild - 2007-04-22
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13
fried and objectified - 2007-03-13

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