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2002-06-01 - 10:22 p.m. whattsa matta you?...gotta no respect?...it'sa not so bad...it'sa nicea place...shutupa ya face...? much anger i sense in you - yoda weeellll, matt's pretty pissed at me. i thought about throwing the "boundries discussion" in his face, but didn't. I DIDN'T. i think he was gonna be mad, but not get mad, thus dragging this out. bullshit. so, i told him, "if you're mad, then get mad, cuz i don't wanna pay for this for an indefinite length of time". you think i'm a dick, but, i think when you try to make each other miserable, like for sport, then stick a fork in it, you know? so, he got mad. called me an asshole. asked if i really loved him like i claim to, and even brought up some other random stuff that's apparently been bugging him about me. i was/am an asshole, and i do love him, very much, in fact. brent had nothing to do with love. i wanted very much to have him, in a variety of ways, but, i didn't. matt's not much for melodrama, and i'm not either, so thank god for small mercies, right? i'm not saying this is over, and in no way am i saying that was all that happened, and it was "simple". there was more said, but, i'll be damned if i'm gonna get into everything. not here, not to you, not ever. if i start...i mean, REALLY start on about how badly i feel, well...let's just say that i don't feel that i deserve to bitch and moan on this topic. this is my fault, but it's not about me. so, instead of being the "this is hard for me too" guy, i'll spare us all. i mean, my assholery hasta stop somewhere, right? i will allow myself this, i feel badly that i hurt someone who i love. (un)fortunately, i have a bit of experience in hurting those i love, so....i know that since he loves me, that we'll be fine. it doesn't make my heart any less heavy, but i takes my lumps, cuz i deserve 'em. i did get us tickets to see sonic youth in august, and matt was happy, and matt kissed me, and when he did, my heart grew lighter. goodnight... |
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