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2002-05-07 - 11:18 p.m. oh, but it's hard to live by the rules..i never could, and still never do...the pretenders hey, tonight i had drinks with the gang. i think this girl i work w/ is going out on her husband. i could be wrong, but i don't think that i am. when she saw me, it looked like she shit herself. i just smiled, and said, "hello". i would have avoided her completely if i could have. tafkaj told us he was gonna go stay w/ mando for a week. then, he asked if matt, and i wanted to go for the weekend part. i told him i'd have to talk to matt. so, when i got home awhile ago, i called him, and he said he'd have to think about it. i told him that i understood completely, and to do what he felt. hanging out at bars, and spending evenings together is one thing, but, a whole weekend in a house together is something else all together. i wouldn't blame matt one bit if he didn't want to go. he invited me to laguna this sunday for mother's day. i'd rather not go, a. because i want to be with my mom. and b. because his mom is a fucknut. i don't know though, there was just something so sweet, and...needy? what's a nice way to say needy? like he needed my support, or something. that's the only thing that kept me from flat out refusing. i think it's sad that he's only going out of guilt, and a warped sense of responsibility. his sister waltzes in and out of their lives as she pleases, and so he feels extra responsible. it's really upsetting to see him sad about these familial bonds that are supposed to be so special, and great, but instead weigh him down like an anchor. my one weak link is with my sister. i love her so much, and she.............i don't know. i stay up at night worrying about her, and the two beautiful boys she's chosen to bring into the world. i worry mostly for them because she has it in her power to momumentally fuck their lives up. my eyes are beginning to water, and i don't feel like crying right now....so...let's not, and say we did. how i wish things were different. it's funny, isn't it? that you hold this baby in your arms, stare into their eyes, and wonder what will be. then, years pass, faster than you could imagine, and all this unimaginable stuff happens. seemingly out of nowhere. do i blame my parents? sometimes. do i blame myself? absolutely. i am constantly asking myself, 'what could/should i have done differently'? i feel so stupid writing this. no matter what i write, how well i write it, no matter how succinctly put, or how descriptive the choice of words, i'll never be able to convey how my heart aches, knowing that however minutely, that i may have had the power to change things....and didn't. goodnight |
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