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2002-04-04 - 10:24 p.m. well hustlers grab your guns / your shadow weighs a ton / driving down the 101...phantom planet how the hell are ya little friend? i think patches is going to come down for the warped tour. yippee!! tonight was cocktails w/ the gang. it was educational, exasperating, and pant pissingly fun. you know, the usual. tonight the artist formerly known as jailbait got wrecked. when we were leaving, he left w/ mando. la liz was the one who brought him. hmmmm.... i'm not upset, much. now look, i haven't had any of my friends fuck any of my other friends for a super long time. and, i've always had this thing for mando coz i was his first, and i really fucking loved that kid. when he went away to school it just about killed me. as for tafkaj, well, it wasn't that long ago that i was involved w/ him. it hasn't even been a year. i'm not in love w/ him or anything. it just feels weird that they are so obviously gonna get together. i'm not used to sharing guys w/ my friends. i know that it's not uncommon, but for me, and my friends it is. i don't want to talk to matt about how i feel coz i think that kid is already pretty darn cool to be okay w/ mando(ex), and tafkaj(recent x). so now what? i'm gonna be all, "it bothers me that they are probably having sex right now" i don't think that would be right. so whatev. now, i love matt. i do. and he loves me. yes, i'm happy. more than happy. and yes, me being me, i hear the words, and say the words, and mean the words, but...i am afraid of the words. hearing them and saying them. coz it all brings so much stuff w/ it, doesn't it? i'll stop now because i don't want to come off like an unappreciative cock. i'm not. but, well, i guess you'd have to know me a little better to understand why i worry so much. or, to understand that i worry so much. nobody actually understands WHY. i'm coming along. i really am. i used to be soooo bashful. and when things get too "actual" i will revert back to that. it gets people off my back. it's sorta shitty for me to do, but at those moments when it's the overwhelming feeling of embarrasment, or me? i choose me, hands down. no contest. goodnight little friend p.s. i told matt that i have a crush on travis from blink 182, and he said i was weird. i just smiled and said, "i know"
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