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2002-03-26 - 9:20 p.m. got your tape and it changed my mind. heard your voice in between the lines...semisonic hello little friend, had dinner w/ the gang. sometimes i look around at everybody talking, and laughing, and i feel very removed from it. i don't know if that's a common feeling because i would feel so undeniably goofy for asking that of anyone. i just felt unincorporated? i used to leave family gatherings w/o telling anybody goodbye because i was too embarrased to draw attention to myself. i saw it as like, "i'm leaving. everybody look at me, and stop what you're doing, and say goodbye to me" isn't that odd? i just didn't want to draw attention to myself. people have told me, "you're so funny" all my life when i let one of these "nuggets of strange" out, and i smile, or say, "i know" but, it's really not so funny, and i know they don't mean it like, "ha ha let's laugh at the neurotic weird boy" these people are my friends, and they aren't laughing at me, but, how do you tell people to not do something if you are too shy to do it. what the fuck am i talking about...i was/am/(always will be?) too bashful to let on how i really feel about certain things. i wonder how i can be so well liked, then i realize that people tell me stuff like, "you're so cool coz you just let me talk, and you're such a good listener" the thing is, just because i'm not talking, it doesn't mean i want you to talk. coz usually i don't. people are just uncomfortable w/ silence, and i relish it....a lot sometimes. i make it sound like i don't have a personality. i do, but just like everybody else, i'm multi-faceted. i'm the shit talking joker, AND, the shoe gazing mumbler. i'm both. and you're both, and what if god was one of us. just a slob like one of us. i'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything. i just feel how i feel. and i happen to feel like this a lot. it's not unbearably bad. it just is what it is. i wore matt's sweater to dinner tonight. when i pointed this out when he picked me up, he said, "it's not my sweater. it's your sweater, goofball" i notice he's been saying goofball a lot, and i know he got it from me. that's so funny. and i've been saying "reeally" long and drawn out like that coz that's how matt says it. that's so cool. it just sorta happens, and that's when it's the coolest. when you don't even realize it. i love that guy. he whispers it in my ear after sex. it's cool. i'm not gonna get into whether it means more non sexually said or not. he just wipes his sweaty forehead against the back of my neck, and whispers, "i love you" and kisses my ear. i don't want to dissect it. over think it. blow it. all i know is i sure would miss it if it stopped. goodnight little friend... |
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